I’ve fallen victim, like so many others, to the Angry Birds phenomenon. Here are the most infuriating characters.
I’m nothing if not a sheep.
So after I got my iPad a few months ago, my girlfriend downloaded Angry Birds. “I keep hearing about that,” I said, “I’ll give it a try.” Fast forward to today. I’ve clawed to three stars on just about every level of all three games. Mostly in waiting rooms, on planes, and in bathrooms.
To quasi-justify that horrific time commitment, I decided I had to put together a list about Angry Birds for my site. And I settled on this — which Angry Birds characters make me angriest. Because other than the black bomb bird, who I never get mad at, I find myself having occasional to frequent beef with every other character in the game.
11 | Giant red bird
Hey, if I couldn’t bring myself to get that mad at Barry Bonds when his head swelled up to four times the normal size, how can I truly get mad at the giant red bird?
Anyway… occasionally he miffs me by not wrecking as much shit as I think he should — but a miffing gets the last spot on this list. Everyone else below is far more infuriating.
10 | Siamese blue parrots who may or may not be characters in the movie Rio which I haven’t seen
The jury’s still out on these guys. With all the other birds we’ve had a lot of reps. Since the Angry Birds Rio game is still being slowly released, I’m still not sure the extent of what these guys can do — sometimes I see potential and then sometimes they rocket into one wall and fall flat. It’s the ups and downs of a rookie, I guess.
I don’t focus too much anger toward the Siamese blue birds mostly because I’m focused on just playing the Rio game without caving and watching the movie. It’s what happened to me when the Kung Fu Panda game came bundled with my XBox 360. I played it a lot and caved and saw the movie, which was a real let down compared to the game. I just know that would happen again here.
9 | Yellow bird
Usually the yellow bird and I are on the same page. Until one brick of glass stops him in his tracks. If I had a Vin Diesel- and/or Paul Walker-approved blast of nitrous rigged to *my* ass I’d at least be able to shatter glass.
8 | Whoever gave the pigs hard hats
With apologies to George Orwell, pigs never really seemed like the embodiment of Stalinists to me until I saw these guys with hardhats. Way more red of them than walking on two legs.
7 | Blue splitting birds
I know you’re smaller and weaker than all the other birds. But you can make up for that with effort. I sometimes want to sit them down and make them watch Rudy in action. Both Ruettiger and Huxtable.
6 | Boomerang birds
Fills such a useful role on the team but so hard to control. He’s like Dennis Rodman. Or Buzz Lightyear.
5 | Regular red birds
I just feel like he should do more. It reminds me of Super Mario 2. You play as Mario your first time and then quickly realize that even though he’s ostensibly the signature character and cover boy of the game, he’s the least effective one in the bunch. (Some people go Toad for the speed, I always went Luigi because I found the high jumping was unwieldy but indispensable. Kids, for more on Mario 2, consult your local library.)
4 | Pig with a mustache
Always seems to be hiding behind his little kids. Coward. You’re not a real man. Ron Swanson revokes your mustache privileges.
3 | Angry monkeys
The evil monkeys replace the evil pigs in Angry Birds Rio. And, unlike the pigs, the monkeys didn’t have their legs all chopped off in the Great Pig Delegging of 2008. Which gives them the ability to balance occasionally after a short fall. Rolling circular pigs were hard enough. Balancing monkeys make me unleash so many angry multitouch gestures I think my iPad needs to call SVU.
2 | The Mighty Eagle
I just wasted my entire weekend trying to get through this level. Wait! What’s this? The Mighty Eagle shall shepherd me through? Where have you been all my li– you want money? To the eight billion free walkthrough videos on YouTube! Dick.
1 | Egg birds
So, let’s go over your resume. You can’t fly very far (and that’s a fact, not just a white stereotype)… you drop egg bombs that can’t really blow anything up… and after you drop the bomb you fly off at a 45-degree angle which, even when used strategically, still isn’t all that useful. Where are the Bobs to ask you what you would say it is you do here and then lay you off?