Clowns, morticians, locksmiths, pick-up artists and more.
I’m not sure anyone wants to be considered “creepy.” It’s all downside. Other seemingly negative classifications, like “crazy” or “self-centered” or “ugly” at least have positive spins. (“entertaining,” “confident,” and “unique looking,” respectively.) Not creepy. There’s no upside.
So, as both a rubric on creepiness and, perhaps, a guide to avoiding a spot under its umbrella, a study earlier this year attempted to quantify creepiness. What behaviors, characteristics and jobs make someone (almost always men, they found) seem creepy?
The ranking of jobs is my favorite, so I plucked out the top 11 to discuss here. These 11 professions were rated the creepiest, all to a statistically significant degree. And then, I also gave my personal picks for the 11 creepiest jobs, in the tradition of my previous posts like the 11 Grossest Things People Do in Public, According to a Study and According to Me, which ranged from “popping pimples” to “touching things with Cheeto fingers” to “watching 2 Broke Girls.”
Now, on to the creepy jobs.
11 | Writer
10 | Guard
I don’t really see this one. I guess a nightwatchman is sort of creepy in that he’s lurking around empty buildings with a flashlight, but in pop culture they’re always the ones who *find* the dead body, not kill the person.
9 | Garbageman
8 | Janitor
Tough back-to-back for waste disposal types.
7 | Clergyman
This seems oriented at the few bad members of clergy, who thereby bring down the millions of wholesome ones. A clear case of “one flake of feces ruins the barbacoa.”
6 | Unemployed
5 | Taxi driver
I feel like “taxi driver” only ranked this high because people thought of it right after they said “taxidermist.”
4 | Funeral director
They make for great wrestling managers, though.
3 | Sex shop owner
2 | Taxidermist
1 | Clown
Note: This study was down before clowns had their creepy resurgence this year. Since they were already number one, I imagine now they’d be off the charts.
And my picks…
11 | Hedge fund worker in his 20s with capped teeth
Something unsavory will happen if you go out with that guy.
10 | Natural history museum curator
9 | Used bookstore owner
They always own malnourished cats and pretend to have a scholarly knowledge of the Middle Ages.
8 | Limo driver
To me, limo drivers are much creepier than taxi drivers. Limo drivers see and experience a lot more of the dark side.
7 | Strip club VIP room bouncer
The guy at the strip club who looks intimidating and seems to have a perfunctory paternal relationship with the dancers. His name is almost always Tony.
6 | Locksmith
I know they have a code (and legal obligation) not to use their lockpicking tools for nefarious purposes… but come on.
5 | Carny
4 | Morgue worker
Even TV crime shows cast creepy people for the “city morgue worker” role.
3 | “Pick-up artist” seminar instructor
2 | Congressman
I know my list has seemed kind of joke-y, but how did Congressman or politician not make it onto the real study’s results? The more time that passes, the clearer it becomes that 100 percent of these guys are shady.
1 | President of 2 Broke Girls fan club