Through the magic of perspective, 11 photos that look like they feature all kinds of dirty, erotic adventures — but do not.
I guess you shouldn’t scroll down this list if you’re at work and your monitor is on full display to various passers-by. Pull it up on your phone instead. There’s nothing dirty here, but it LOOKS dirty.
As Krusty the Clown once said, “Young people today, they think comedy is dirty words. It’s not — it’s words that sound dirty, like ‘mukluk.'” This list is the mukluk of photographs.
11 “Dirty Pics” that are actually completely innocent
The 11 photos in this list all feature something that looks sexual or explicit, but isn’t. It’s all a matter of perspective- photographic perspective, not mental perspective. Our collective mental perspective is “raging pervert,” so that’s not a good barometer.
Appearances can be deceiving. Here are 11 dirty pics that look like nudes but are totally not…
1 | The Arm Butt
There’s a point in every young boy’s life when he realizes his armpit is a filthy doppelganger. It can look like buttocks, it can look like a vagina, it can make fart noises. This photo properly celebrates at least one of the powers of the armpit.
2 | The Bike Seat
These two are actually models for cycling clothes, and their strategy to sell is to use the bike seat to grab attention. Is this one of those moments in bad advertising, or a clever one? We all know sex sells, and that’s how porn stars thrive in this industry.
Their position is already telling, but the addition of the bike seat adds unintentional nudity in our already dirty mind. However, it’s just an innocent picture trying to market some cycling clothes.
There are plenty of photos like this floating around online — I chose this one because of Not Heather Graham’s “I’m totally over this” look. If this were an actual sex photo, she’d definitely post the exact same face.
3 | Tree Love
Some people like to do it in the woods, and this image of a tree is a reminder of that. What are the chances that your backyard tree gives you a show of its own? Not very high, but this particular tree has its vulgar appearance.
I think this could be the solution to climate change. We should plant trees and grow them like this, so people may think twice before cutting them. Who knows how they look like after a hundred years?
Once you get past the pseudo-genitalia, marvel at the “male” tree’s flexibility. This is the only one on the list I’m afraid is Photoshopped — and whoever Photoshopped must really believe in yoga or modern dance.
4 | Pass the Baton
This angle right here ruins a perfectly innocent statue of two men in a sport of passing the baton. But wait a minute… They are both naked. And there are bicycles that remind us of the image in number 2!
Only through a perfect angle can two runners passing a baton transform into one runner violating another runner mid-race. Million-to-one shot, doc! Million to one.
5 | Negative Space
This is a little different thematically than the other dirty photos on the list, but that negative space penis was too good not to include. And thanks to that penile-shaped gap, this wonderful father-son moment gets to spread around the Internet and become immortal.
Maybe you want to think about hiding penises in YOUR vacation photos?
But things like these are better than having inappropriate backgrounds in your wedding photos.
6 | Naked Crouch
The armpit nude, though we already know is actually innocent, just doesn’t stop messing our minds. This time, it’s not just the armpit is the culprit, but the whole arm as well. This seemingly dirty pic probably ruined that woman’s party.
This is one of the most spectacular ones I found. The woman’s arm in front provides a shockingly perfect facsimile of a nude body. It’s so good that the woman who looks nude has probably given up on trying to defend that she’s not.
I think we can come to the conclusion that we are at the mercy of the photographers and anything can look nude or dirty, no matter how innocent it may actually be.
7 | The Splits
The girl in front really looks like she’s doing a full split, all thanks to the remarkable positioning of the other girls’ legs. Whatever this photographer lacked in understanding perspective, he more than made up for in his talent with symmetry and composition.
8 | Light on the Knee
I love the Facebook comment below the photo, explaining in the most gentle way possible that she should’ve cropped the photo just a little bit more — but I’m thinking she avoided cropping the photo intentionally.
This is another case of something that once seen, cannot be unseen. You have to intentionally convince your mind that it’s not a penis and that she’s a lady. The first comment probably had to do just that.
If you’re gonna look like you’ve got a penis, might as well look like you’ve got the world’s biggest penis, right?
9 | Cheerleader Lift
It definitely looks like those two cheerleaders are b-e-ing aggressive in getting that arm deep into their teammate. They’re not. (Probably.)
The two cheerleaders are actually assisting her in a stunt, which involves lifting her up. It’s an impressive feat of strength that requires trust between the teammates. Just look at the other team on their side.
However, the angle of the photo and the positioning of the arms make it look like something much more sinister is going on. It’s a classic case of a photograph being taken at just the right moment to create an illusion that looks dirty.
10 | Car Seat
No, it’s not one of those dirty pics, but only a product of our perverted minds.
It’s really the seatbelt that makes the photo… it visually cuts the driver’s seat just right to make it look like a very flexible leg. The seat’s color also matches the skin of the woman. Is there anything a Ferrari can’t do?
11 | Grilling Sausages
Another one in a million shot! The timing is spot on, that a few milliseconds late would probably give a different perspective. That guy walking is unaware that someone’s taking a picture of grandma and her nephew grilling some sausages for lunch.
I feel like this photo wouldn’t be so perfect if the guy in front had just chosen a bathing suit that’s 60 to 75 percent less European. (Counterpoint: It would be more perfect if penises had arms.)
