Votes for Obama, World of Warcraft coins, tickets to see the giant panda… and then, the actual weird stuff.
A few weeks back, a woman in Philadelphia was arrested for posting on Craigslist that she’d have sex with someone if he could give her World Series tickets.
That’s amateur hour.
I dug through the bowels of the Internet to find 11 much, much, much more ridiculous sex trade offers from the history of Craigslist. In some cases, the person wants something and offers sex in exchange. In some cases, the person has something and wants sex to get it. But either way, it’s a trade-off involving weird sex, weird items or, ideally, both. Enjoy.
1 | World of Warcraft coins
I don’t really know about World of Warcraft (outside of the Leeroy Jenkins video and the spectacular South Park parody) — but I do know there have often been legal debates about the real world value of virtual in-game goods.
In the case of this woman from New York City, the value of 5,000 virtual gold coins in World of Warcraft is… role-playing sex, a gang bang, anal sex, or some combination therein.
So, it seems, after she posted this it (naturally) got passed around a bit. With so many people invested, she was kind enough to post a follow-up.
Turns out she found someone willing to trade 5,000 virtual coins for real-life sex (I’m just spitballing here but I bet she had more than one offer)… it was “very enjoyable”… and now she’s using those coins to become 280 percent stronger in the game. I’m actually impressed.
2 | Listening to KISS music with a big-haired guy in a leather tunic
This is one of two posts on this list that have the message: “I’m not gay but if you’re a dude who wants to come masturbate in front of me, I’d really, really, really, really like it.” I must disagree — I definitely think this is a gateway drug to airport bathroom glory holes or meeting Cam Neely at truck stops — but who am I to judge?
As for this gentleman who wants you to come over and smack yourself around to the dulcet strains of I Was Made For Lovin’ You… please note that he wishes to maintain full veto power over the music. He will refuse your request to change it. After all, he’s the expert who’s done this before.
3 | Tickets to see a giant panda
How much does this grad student want to get her hands on the sold-out tickets to see a giant panda at the Washington, D.C., zoo? Enough to offer to “give you a handjob, with my hands.” I love that redundancy. It’s like the sexual equivalent of an ATM machine.
4 | Michael Jackson memorial tickets
And sadly, this level of exploitation of Michael Jackson’s death doesn’t even compare to what Jackson’s family members are doing.
5 | A chance to do a nude, post-masturbatory Godzilla impression and all the artificial crab you can carry
This one made me laugh out loud though because of the post-“heterosexual” masturbation activity. After you’ve polished yourself off, then do your Godzilla thing and “stomp around and kick the trains and buildings like a monster.”
But don’t break them, because they belong to this guy’s son.
After that, you can be on your way, with an armful of imitation crab. Sounds like kinda a fun night. I’d definitely make it until four in the morning.
6 | A death wish TO THE EXTREME
You see a headline that says “Unsafe sex” and you think: No condom. This guy writes that headline and thinks: Sex in a car going 110 miles per hour, or while bungee jumping, or in shark-infested waters.
I suppose that really is a more classical definition of unsafe sex.
Also, please notice that his location is “THE DANGER ZONE.” Man I hope that means that while you’re having sex in a car doing 110 there’s Kenny Loggins just blasting out of the stereo.
7 | The risk of getting HIV
So the guy above wasn’t dangerous enough for you? In this ad, an HIV-positive vampire wearing a bright-colored sundress wants to have unprotected sex with you. You get to enjoy the risk of getting HIV. Sounds like fun. Remember when we were kids and collecting baseball cards was fun? Fun has evolved.
Also, I had to read it twice before I picked up the nuance that “I have had 3 previous partners, 2 of which are still HIV free.” So she’s already given HIV to someone? She’s a very bad vampire… not the frolicking, baseball-playing, brooding, Mormon vampires that all the kids are so in love with.
8 | Xbox 360 / ass cherry
In a vacuum, sex for an XBox 360 isn’t a strong enough trade to make this list. But there are a few extra little throw-ins that elevate this to legendary status…
- That it’s a woman trading sex for an XBox 360 to give to her kid.
- That it’s not just sex but anal sex.
- That in the headline she refers to her anal sex virginity as her “ass cherry.”
- That the price this woman has put on anal sex is somewhere around $400 (back in 2005, before Xbox 360s started dropping in price).
- That there’s a term associated with the XBox 360 called the “red ring of death” and when I juxtaposed that phrase and this Craigslist ad I immaturely giggled.
- And finally, that prostituting anal sex to get your kid an XBox 360 makes her simultaneously a wonderful and terrible mother.
And that list doesn’t even take into account this woman’s choice of photo which, I guess, is her way of “presenting” the bounty.
9 | A salt-filled vagina
So this woman wants you to bring over some Kosher salt — “must be Kosher” — then pour it into her vagina and have unprotected sex with her. (And it.)
This request struck me as potentially very dangerous — the vagina seems to be such a fragile ecosystem that pouring eight to 10 tablespoons of salt in there seems like it would be a bad idea. So I texted my friend Rob, who’s a doctor, to ask him about it.
I wrote: “Hey! I have a weird medical question I figured you might be able to help. Is it dangerous for a woman to get salt in her vagina? Like a lot of salt?”
About six minutes later my phone started ringing. It was Rob. He was concerned that I had a female friend who’d spilled a lot of salt into her vagina. When I finally convinced him that no, this wasn’t the case of me “asking… um… for a friend” but rather for a list, he told me that, believe it or not, dumping a large amount of salt into a vagina might cause some irritation but, otherwise, no real damage.
So… uh… get to it?
10 | Votes for Obama
Man, I hope that, for this girl’s sake, Obama’s universal health care (OMG socialism!) covers medicine for throat gonorrhea.
11 | $1
One dollar doesn’t seem like a lot but, coincidentally, it could buy you your OWN bathtub full of Ramen noodles.