Based on intimate cosmetic surgery numbers, these countries look at what they’ve got down there and they like what they see.
On Monday I was sitting in my study, wearing a robe, sipping from my brandy snifter and reading The Economist when something caught my eye. (Well, that’s not entirely true. I was sitting at my desk, wearing sweatpants and drinking from a refilled Aquafina bottle when I spotted a link to a chart on The Economist website. But that certainly doesn’t sound as cool.)
They’d dug through some international plastic surgery stats and ranked the 25 most surgically-enhanced countries of 2010 by cosmetic surgeries per capita. What really got me were two sentences they threw in — about how Brazil had five times more vaginal rejuvenations than average and Greece had 10 times more penile enlargements than average.
I decided that kind of information needed WAY more of an investigation than just two sentences. So I tracked down those plastic surgery statistics, imported UN male and female population data, and figured out the vaginal rejuvenation and penile enlargement rates for all 25 countries included in the report.
Then I averaged each country’s rankings in those two categories to come up with a full list of which countries have the highest and lowest rates of cosmetic genital surgery per capita. The 11 with the lowest rates made this list as the countries featuring men and women most secure with the size, shape, flappiness, floppiness and overall aesthetic appeal of their genitals.
11 | Turkey
Penile enlargement: Rate of 1/80,137 men – (13th highest)
Vaginal rejuvenation: Rate of 1/26,639 women – (16th highest)
I asked my Turkish friend Kenan (doesn’t everyone have a Turkish friend named Kenan?) if he could make sense of how the Turks are so very middle-of-the-pack when it comes to both genders enhancing their genitals. His response: “A Turkish man hangs out naked at baths without thinking about his penis size and only encounter a Turkish woman’s vagina if he can take her father in a knife fight.” And somehow, I guess, that all adds up to the middle of the bell curve?
10 | Argentina
Penile enlargement: Rate of 1/330,991 men – (19th highest)
Vaginal rejuvenation: Rate of 1/18,322 women – (12th highest)
According to my always-reliable friends at Yahoo Answers, Argentinian men have a reputation for being arrogant. Which could explain why, in 2010, there were only 59 penile enlargements in the population of about 19.5 million men. Perhaps every man in Argentina believes he has the Penis of God.
9 | Australia
Penile enlargement: None reported – (25th highest)
Vaginal rejuvenation: Rate of 1/13,982 women – (8th highest)
From my research (and Australian readers, back me up on this), surgical penile enlargements are banned in Australia. But, I suspect, it’s NOT that the men don’t need them. I know those didgeridoos are overcompensating for something. Playing a didgeridoo as an Australian is the equivalent of driving a monster truck as an American.
Because Australian men get the shaft on penile enhancement, it’s the only country that reported a zero in either genital enhancement category. And yet… they only placed 9th on this list. Because vaginal rejuvenation is legal, and it seems the Australian women can’t stop getting them.
8 | Saudi Arabia
Penile enlargement: Rate of 1/89,227 men – (15th highest)
Vaginal rejuvenation: Rate of 1/27,739 women – (18th highest)
So they freak out about women driving, but…
7 | Russia
Penile enlargement: Rate of 1/76,983 men – (12th highest)
Vaginal rejuvenation: Rate of 1/55,782 women – (22nd highest)
In Soviet Russia, vagina rejuvenates you.
6 | Thailand
Penile enlargement: Rate of 1/143,614 men – (17th highest)
Vaginal rejuvenation: Rate of 1/64,782 women – (23rd highest)
While they’re fairly modest in both categories here, Thailand actually has the most gender reassignment surgeries in the world. But that doesn’t count for our statistics here. Interesting side note: The country with the second-most sex change surgeries in the world is… Iran. (Source) The government even pays for half under a twisted rationale that they don’t have any gay residents because someone who is attracted to their own sex wouldn’t be after a sex change.
5 | Mexico
Penile enlargement: Rate of 1/517,502 men – (22nd highest)
Vaginal rejuvenation: Rate of 1/32,095 women – (20th highest)
As Americans, we don’t know all that much about the plastic surgery standards in a lot of the other countries on this list. But we sure do know about Mexico. And I can’t believe even this many people are taking the risk there. I mean, the kid on Friday Night Lights didn’t trust them to fix his spine. And that’s just a spine! Would you trust them with your reproductive organs? Maybe that’s not the most solid argument. (But it hits the obsessive Friday Night Lights demographic and I want them on my side.)
4 | United States
Penile enlargement: Rate of 1/635,068 men – (23rd highest)
Vaginal rejuvenation: Rate of 1/30,220 women – (19th highest)
Hey look at us! We’re the fourth-most secure country about our genitals in the world. A lot of this comes down to population size. The U.S. has the second-most total vaginal rejuvenations (5,194) but also 156.9 million women. Anecdotally, surgical penile enlargements aren’t that widespread here — I know, I’ve called a lot of doctors asking for a friend — we had just 239 total for 151.8 million men. Also, when you talk about cosmetic surgery and procedures that don’t focus on the genitalia — I know, why bother, right? — the U.S. has the most procedures in the world (3.3 million) and sixth-most per capita.
3 | India
Penile enlargement: Rate of 1/380,320 men – (20th highest)
Vaginal rejuvenation: Rate of 1/155,151 women – (24th highest)
India’s the poorest country, per capita, of the countries in this study, so it would stand to reason that getting genitalia enlarged or tightened up would be lower on Indians’ priority lists. Although India does turn out a huge, huge number of doctors (according to NPR they export the most physicians in the world). Maybe it could work like a cosmetology school here, where you go and get a student cut your hair for like $2 as part of their learning experience. India could do that with plastics. Sure, your trainee might botch it a little bit, take a little too much off the top — but when he gets an F, he’ll learn his lesson.
2 | Canada
Penile enlargement: Rate of 1/910,351 men – (24th highest)
Vaginal rejuvenation: Rate of 1/40,853 women – (21st highest)
Who knew the Canadians were so secure? And I thought the CN Tower and Niagara Falls were both metaphors for genitalia that would indicate they’re insecure. Maid of the Mist? Come on. That name’s just begging to induce vaginal rejuvenation.
1 | China
Penile enlargement: Rate of 1/497,719 men – (21st highest)
Vaginal rejuvenation: Rate of 1/174,565 women – (25th highest)
There are just too many people in China — and too few who’ve managed to ride the capitalist wave into “genitalia money” — for these numbers to come out higher. But congratulations to China, for ranking as the number one most genitally secure country in the world. To the men of China, well done spitting in the face of an antiquated and offensive stereotype. And to the women of China… um… I guess we can chalk this up as an accidentally positive side effect of the one-child policy?
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Update: And here are the countries least secure.