The remaining 11 absurd criminals of 2015 include a zoo love triangle, thief obsessed with Downton Abbey, bearded lady and more.
In case you missed the first 11 ridiculous criminals of 2015, I posted them on Monday. Today we’ve got the back nine. (By nine I, of course, mean 11.)
On to the lunatics…
1 | Police hunt for a guy who’s addicted to stealing Downton Abbey DVDs
(11/19) 30-year-old Brandon Deel of Columbus, Ohio is a thief with oddly highbrow taste. See, Brandon has an apparent obsession with shoplifting Downton Abbey DVDs. He was arrested in January of 2014 for stealing 12 box sets and did a few months in jail. When he got out in August, he stole more box sets and got thrown back in jail. And when he got out this fall, he went right back to stealing MORE Downton Abbey box sets. The last news article I could find says the cops are still hunting for him. (Source)
2 | A man tries to rob a bank with a drawing of a gun
(8/17) This just seems lazy. In August, a 33-year-old man walked into a bank in Warsaw, Poland, marched up to the teller, and pulled out a gun… that he’d drawn on a sheet of paper. The teller told him to wait in line, which he did — what with not really having any leverage — and she alerted the cops. They came and arrested the guy for attempted robbery. (A copy of his picture didn’t make it online, unfortunately, but I suspect it would also be generously classified as “attempted art.”) (Source)
3 | A guy is caught digging up his father’s grave — so he can argue with him some more
(8/18) 44-year-old Michael May was caught digging up a grave at a cemetery in Lincoln County, Kentucky in August. He told the cops he was digging up his father. But not for one last game of catch or anything even remotely sentimental; Michael was digging up his dead father to argue with him some more. Michael’s dad died 30 years ago (when Michael was a teenager), so that’s a long time to wait to have one more blowout fight. (Source)
4 | A zoo’s meerkat expert attacked the monkey handler because of a love triangle with the llama keeper
(10/14) It’s not a good sign when the animals at a zoo are better behaved then the humans. 30-year-old Caroline Westlake was the meerkat expert at the London Zoo and was dating the llama keeper, Adam Davies. But before that, he’d been in a five year relationship with the monkey handler, Kate Sanders.
Things came to a head at a work party when Caroline overheard Kate insult how she looked — so Caroline hit her in the head with a wine glass. She got community service and some fines; she also lost her job. (Source)
5 | A burglar is busted thanks to DNA from the skidmarked shorts he left behind
(10/10) Back in August of 2014, 49-year-old Rodney Hendrix burglaried a preschool and a church in Denver. He stole some guitars, iPads, random electronics and more. And I’m sure he thought he’d gotten away with it when more than a year passed without the cops tracking him down.
He was wrong. During the preschool break-in, for whatever reason, Rodney took off his shorts and left them behind. They had a nice skidmark. And the cops eventually got around to DNA testing the skidmark — which linked the break-ins to Rodney. He was charged in October. (Source)
6 | Cops go to ticket a guy for taking up two seats on the subway — an accidentally solve a murder
(10/29) There’s a Simpsons joke about the local police only being able to enforce the most recent law passed — not all the much more important ones. That’s what happened in New York in October; the cops were so busy enforcing a trendy, minor, new crime that they accidentally caught someone who’d done a infinitely worse crime.
A few years ago, New York made it illegal to spread yourself out and take up multiple seats. (You may’ve heard the cringeworthy term “manspreading” to describe that move.) 43-year-old Gregory White was taking up two seats on a train in October, the cops spotted him and started prepping his ticket. But when they ran his name, they found he was wanted for murdering a 58-year-old woman in January. They took him to the station, and he confessed. (Source)
7 | A guy named Bud Weisser was caught trespassing at the Budweiser brewery
(12/4) 19 years old and this guy has already fulfilled his destiny. There’s a 19-year-old kid from the St. Louis area named Bud Weisser. It’s probably safe to say his entire life has been haunted by the beer. And last month, either to explore his namesake or maybe get some measure of revenge, he wandered onto the Budweiser brewery lot in St. Louis and walked into a secure area. He got into a fight with security guards and was arrested for trespassing. (Source)
8 | A lawyer who wrote a book on beating DUIs was arrested for a DUI (and chokes)
(12/3) Tom Hudson is a DUI attorney in Sarasota, Florida who wrote a book called The Drinker’s Guide to Driving: The Secrets of DUI From One of America’s Top DUI Lawyers. This was a horrible endorsement for his work.
He was pulled over in late November for speeding. He seemed drunk, but refused the breathalyzer test and was arrested. (That would match the standard advice: If you’re drunk, refuse the test as to not create evidence against yourself.) When he got to the station, that’s when he completely whiffed on his own advice. He agreed to the breathalyzer there and blew a .12. Then he consented to a blood test — which are much harder to fight in court.
He told reporters, “It’s been an eye-opening experience to see what my clients have been going through.” (Source)
9 | A guy crashes his car into a strip mall in an attempt to travel through time
(12/20) Look at what all that hype about Back to the Future Day did to the highly influenceable types. A man sped through a traffic light in Pensacola, Florida last month and plowed right into a strip mall. He crashed through the doors of a tax services company and finally came to a stop when he was all the way to their back door. And when the cops questioned him, he told them he was trying to travel through time. Great Scott. (Source)
10 | A Woman Attacks Her Denny’s Waitress For Not Letting Her Share Her All-You-Can-Eat Pancakes
(11/13) Denny’s offers $4 all-you-can-eat pancakes which is just a ridiculous deal. Unfortunately this woman misinterpreted the bounds of “all-you-can-eat” — intentionally or accidentally, it’s not clear.
27-year-old Natasha West went to a Denny’s in Oak Lawn, Illinois in November with some friends and ordered the all-you-can-eat pancakes. Then she started sharing them with the people at her table. The waitress told her she couldn’t do that — there’s an emphasis on the “YOU” in all-you-can-eat — and Natasha responded by cursing her out and throwing punches. None of them landed, and she was arrested for assault. (Source)
11 | A man is stabbed by a 400-pound bearded woman; cops don’t have too much trouble finding her
(12/24) Some criminals are easier to track down from sparse, vague eyewitness descriptions than others. A 39-year-old man tried to bum a cigarette from a group of women in San Diego, California a few weeks ago. One of the women was REALLY bothered by it — and stabbed him in the neck. The guy survived, and gave the cops a very succinct description: She was white, about 400 pounds, and had a beard.
The cops found someone who matched that description in the area the next day — couldn’t really miss her, I’m guessing — and arrested her for assault with a deadly weapon. (Source)