The British have determined what it takes to be a modern gentleman — from not wearing pink pants to making love on your elbows.
I was reading my most recent issue of the British magazine Country Life — what, you DON’T subscribe? — and found a list of the characteristics and traits of the modern 21st century gentleman. And you know you can trust the British with stuff like this. Colonization, proper use of tweed, Got Talent surprises and lists about being a gentleman. All in their wheelhouse. Plus the authors’ names are Rupert and Emma. SO much credibility.
I picked out 11 of the most crucial elements of being a gentleman and compiled them into this list. Are you a gentleman? Keep your score…
1 | The modern gentleman never owns a cat, speedboat or fuchsia pants
I’m thinking a gentleman swaps out the cat for a good hunting dog… swaps out the speedboat for a sailboat… and swaps out the fuchsia pants for anything in the world BUT fuchsia pants.
2 | The modern gentleman will occasionally be drunk, but never disorderly
Ahh, the fine line between “fun drunk” and “smashing glasses on the ground.” I would assume it goes without saying that the modern gentleman gets drunk on scotch or sophisticated wines; it doesn’t matter how orderly you remain if you just got drunk on a box of wine or a game of Edward Fortyhands.
3 | The modern gentleman never wears a pre-tied bowtie
I learned how to tie a bowtie a few years ago (although I still haven’t perfectly mastered it, I can mostly do it). The key is to treat it just like tying a shoelace. A shoelace around your neck. (Which is a scenario that only comes up if you were trying to hang yourself in prison. A gentleman does not hang himself by his shoelaces in prison.)
4 | The modern gentleman will eat anything placed in front of him, but never finishes his food before everyone else
I fail wildly on this one. Unless I’ve ordered so much more food than everyone else that they can’t help but finish before me. In that way… is unbridled gluttony a sign of chivalry? It’s a stretch, but I’ll take that stretch in exchange for delicious side dishes.
5 | The modern gentleman never drinks Malibu
I love that of all the alcohol in the world, they lasered in on Malibu. A modern gentleman never drinks cheap rum that smells like suntan lotion. It’s so harsh and unambiguous, it’s perfect. Well done, judgmental Brits. And way to dodge the bullet, Boone’s Farm.
6 | The modern gentleman is always on time
See that, Ja Rule! Even though you’re not always there when I call, you’re always a gentleman.
7 | The modern gentleman never tweets
They note that a modern gentleman IS allowed to go on Facebook, but only “to keep in touch with his godchildren (of which he has many).” So no Candy Crush invites or “I got the thorax! Which body part are you?” quiz results from the gentleman.
8 | The modern gentleman never walks out on a play
Do friends’ improv shows count? Can we give them an exemption? How about your friends’ kids’ kindergarten plays? Trees don’t wave. TREES DON’T WAVE.
9 | The modern gentleman never puts products in his hair
This seems like a lot to ask of the modern gentleman. I guess it’s kind of a check-and-balance to make sure the modern gentleman gets a tight haircut that doesn’t require product — no room for the faux-hawk, the spiked bed of nails or the ’80s pro wrestler here.
10 | The modern gentleman never forgets his wristwatch
They really take the whole “having a watch” thing for granted. Can the modern gentleman just check the time upon ye olde cell phone?
11 | The modern gentleman makes love on his elbows
I’m not 100 percent sure what this means, but it sounds both cumbersome AND filthy. Also, if you’re on your elbows, how do you give the, “Hey, good job!” high-five at the end?