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written by Sam Greenspan

The police blotter section in a small-town newspaper is pure comedy fodder.

There is no end to the joy I get out of reading clippings from small town newspaper police blotters. It’s like the joy Jay Leno gets out of small town newspaper wedding announcements. Or that Matt Drudge gets out of finding an innocuous article from a small town newspaper and linking it with a headline like “World coming to end in 2010?”

Today, I present 11 great, funny, ridiculous moments from the police blotter. I hope to have many more 11 Points lists like this in the future.

1 | Rookie

This is what happens when you try to do something at home that should really be left to the professionals.

2 | How dare he?

I love the towns where EVERY call to the police makes the police blotter. Because then you get gems like this.

3 | Chipotle does make them large

At least the police didn’t get a report of a burrito in a Wal-Mart trash can and find out it was really a newborn infant. Newborn infants don’t taste that good with sour cream.

4 | Seems like a Hardy Boys book

It’s pretty impressive to marry a woman who can take down five pounds of bacon for her midnight snack. I’d be embarrassed to admit that too.

5 | So… everything’s cool here?

Or is it?

6 | What are the odds she shows up to court?

The next time a Congressman is doing a presentation on the flaws of our criminal justice system, this police blotter excerpt HAS to be part of his Powerpoint presentation.

7 | Stomping out society’s worst criminals

I love that the woman’s instinct was to call the cops on her housekeeper. Whose mind works like that?

8 | What was so suspicious?

Great matter-of-fact reporting on the denomination of the suspicious coin. And I agree… nothing’s sketchier than a quarter.

9 | Not as nice of a day as they’d like

Where is your life when it’s after midnight and you and a friend need to knock off a drug store for almost four figures worth of vaginal anti-fungal cream?

10 | Always blame the husband

Even if you eat five pounds of bacon and are coping with the smells that result… blame your husband.

11 | I have a theory…

And any moment now, even though it’s years later, this woman is expecting all of her friends to jump out from behind her furniture and yell “Surprise!”

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