Who’s coming with me to Parts Unknown, the island from Lost or Area 51?
Going on vacations to real places is for old people. For my next trip, I want to go somewhere much, much cooler.
1 | Parts Unknown
It’s hard to say where this is because, well, the parts are unknown. All I know is that if I go there, I’ll get to hang out with the Ultimate Warrior, Demolition, and Papa Shango. Be jealous, MAC counter girls, because THAT would be one hell of a face painting party.
2 | The Edge of the Map
I believe you go to Spain or Portugal, get on a ship and head west. Once you pass India and all the sea monsters, you just kinda tip off the edge. I’d like to find out what’s there. Morlocks? Dinosaurs? China? It’s all possible.
3 | The Room Where the Jews Run the World
I have long heard a rumor that there’s a room somewhere in Switzerland where a group of Jews sit around and run the world.
If this is true, it’s kinda bullshit that I haven’t been invited. I have a lot of awesome ideas. Like reversing Social Security so that, as soon as you graduate college you get $1 million, and as soon as you blow through it you start working… and keep working until you die. Why should retirement be for people who are too old to enjoy it?
4 | Fountain of Youth
This is in Florida, right? That means I could probably get there on JetBlue. And someone tried to point out a gray hair on me last weekend. I need to wash my hair in the fountain of youth, get rid of that gray and maybe take it back to the blond curls I had when I was a toddler.
5 | Duckberg, Scotland
I’ve been wanting to go to Scotland for a while. But tell me: Can Edinburgh or Glasgow or Aberdeen promise me life like a hurricane, race cars, lasers or aeroplanes? A chance to solve a mystery? Or rewrite history?
Not a chance. Not even you, Aberdeen.
6 | The Island from Lost
My only concern is that Ben turned that giant wheel and moved it. But I could probably hook up with Charles Widmore and offer to try to track it down for him. After all, unlike, apparently, anyone in the “Lost” universe, I have access to Google Maps.
7 | The Secret Garden
And don’t give me some lame, Cliff Note-style thematic interpretation about how the secret garden is really inside of all of us. I want to visit the actual secret garden, the one that made the handicapped kid walk in the book. If you think about it, the Secret Garden was really the precursor to Jimmy Swaggart.
8 | Ys
I was picking through all of the generic choices for imaginary places (El Dorado, Shangri-La, Atlantis, Avalon, etc.) because I figured one of them should be represented on this list. And that’s when I discovered Ys, which will serve as the lone representative of the generic imaginary places on this list.
Ys is a mythical underwater city off the coast of France that was eventually swallowed up and destroyed by the ocean. The reason: Too many orgies.
And this is why I think I would do well there. My shtick (no double entendre intended) works pretty well in groups, so I feel like I’d be a really good orgy guy. Get everyone laughing, make everyone feel comfortable, then ringlead a nice, peaceful, large-scale orgy.
I have no interest in the orgies in modern society though. Swingers parties are filled with middle aged men with back hair and scraggly, underweight women with ribs poking out of their sides, weirdly shaped mouths and long, dry, curly dark hair. Masquerade orgies like the one in Eyes Wide Shut are far more creepy than sexy. And in this economy, I can’t afford to pay one quality hooker, let along three or more.
But in Ys, I feel like everyone’s down for a good orgy… and you can find participants who aren’t freakshows.
Unfortunately, I’m fairly sure the whole story of Ys is a tired morality tale (don’t have orgies or the sea will eat your city and kill you)… but if they let me take over operations for a little bit, I think I could strike a good balance between orgies and charity work. Like, what if we all go around and get pledges… $2 for every person you pass crabs to, or something… and all that money goes to the St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital?
9 | Area 51
I would like to see an alien. Even one that’s been prodded apart and experimented on for the past 30 or 40 years. I would go to any secret, imaginary or mythical place to see an alien.
Except for the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. First of all, that movie was one of the biggest train wrecks of all time. And if I was bored watching it on screen, I’d be bored in person. And second of all, those weren’t aliens, they were “interdimensional beings.” (Yes, if I ever make a list of 11 people who chose not to retire on top and fucked up their legacy, George Lucas might be number one. He’d at least give Michael Jordan and Bob Dylan a run for their money.)
10 | Suicide bomber “heaven”
I just want to make sure to give all of the waiting 72 virgins the HPV vaccine.
I know that some people think that vaccine is like giving girls a blank check for boning, but not me. HPV can lead to cervical cancer, so I want to immunize the virgins now before one of their “heroes” gets up there and starts spreading genital warts.
I also have so many questions. Like, when he gets up there, how does he pick an order for the deflowering? And how offended is the last girl? Does he have to talk her down off the ledge? Are these virgins all just willing to get it on, or are they like real virgins and need a LOT of coaxing, promises and wine? Does he marry all 72 of the virgins? Seems like a logistical nightmare. Doesn’t the bank give him shit about trying to fit all 73 of their names onto their checks?
11 | The L.A. Subway System
When I was in high school, the go-to profound quote of the era was: “I believe in the sun even when its not shining. I believe in love even when I feel it not. I believe in God even when He is silent.”
I am unwilling to amend it to add this line: “I believe in the L.A. subway, even when no one I know has ever ridden it nor does it go anywhere even remotely close to the entire west part of the city.” I just don’t have the faith.