People hump the darndest things.
Last week, there was a news story about a 24-year-old man from Wales who got drunk, stripped down and started humping a Land Rover in front of a bunch of people outside of a restaurant.
And my reaction to the story was… just a Land Rover? Derivative.
Because my life has taken some strange, unexpected, and arguably alright turns, I’ve been keeping a file of stories about people who’ve been busted having sex with inanimate objects. The Land Rover incident is just another in a long, proud tradition of people humping random things in public.
Here are 11 inanimate objects people have been caught having sex with. I didn’t include any cars or other vehicles because (1) that happens more often than you’d think and (2) thanks to the tailpipe, there’s really no imagination involved.
So remember, next time you’ve had a few drinks and suddenly a mailbox or a dumpster seems like it’s trying to seduce you — show some restraint because the Internet never forgets.
1 | Inflatable pool raft
Of all the people on the list, this guy is the only one who has a clear addiction to his object of choice. A 32-year-old man in Hamilton, Ohio was busted having sex with a pink, inflatable pool raft — not in a pool, but in an alley — in August 2011. He was busted again this past June for doing it again. Somewhere, a set of water wings and an inflatable floaty turtle are breathing sighs of relief that he didn’t happen to find them. (Source)
2 | Abandoned yellow couch
When I see an abandoned couch on the side of the street, I don’t even want to touch it. (This is in direct conflict with our mentality in college, which was: “Hey, free couch!”) Last September, a 46-year-old man in Waukesha, Wisconsin was willing to go way further than touching one OR calling his buddies to grab one for his cheap apartment. He saw an old yellow couch on the curb outside his apartment, headed outside… and started humping it. And he might’ve gotten away with it too, if an off-duty cop hadn’t jogged by. He ended up taking a plea deal for misdemeanor public lewdness and got a five-month suspended sentence — as long as he doesn’t hump any more couches for a full year. (Source)
3 | Metal picnic table
In 2008, a 40-year-old man was caught having sex with a picnic table in Bellevue, Ohio — four times. He always went for pre-afternoon delight (doing his humping between 10:30 and noon). And, as the article says, the police noted, “the table in question had a hole in the middle intended to hold an umbrella.” (Source)
4 | Park bench
There’s a twist on this one: This guy got stuck.
Back in August of 2008, a 41-year-old man in Hong Kong inserted his genitals into a small hole in a park bench. He inserted himself flaccid… but as he started humping the bench and became aroused, he got stuck. Rescuers couldn’t get him out so they ultimately had to cut the bench from the ground and transport the guy AND the bench to the hospital. After four hours, doctors were able to get him free, just before they would’ve had to amputate. (Source)
5 | Street signs
A 60-year-old man from Sioux Falls, South Dakota was busted back in 2007 for having sex with multiple street signs near his house. The cops knew it was multiple signs because he took videos of himself having sex with those signs. Sometimes you just have to be thankful things went down before the Vine era. (Source)
6 | Vacuum cleaner
I like this guy who had sex with the vacuum cleaner because he selected the inanimate object that’s most dangerous *and* most logical. In 2008, a Polish immigrant in London was caught having sex with the vacuum cleaner he was supposed to be using to clean the offices at a children’s hospital. When he was caught, he told the guard it was a “common practice in Poland.” (Source)
7 | Gumball machine
In 2009, a 32-year-old man from Hellertown, Pennsylvania had sex with the gumball machine (and the floor) at a video store. The only thing you should have sex with after inserting a quarter is a vibrating bed at a motel. And maybe a really lonely payphone. (Source)
8 | Multiple parts of a bicycle
How do you have sex with a bicycle? Thanks to a surveillance video, this is the answer. Back in May, a man in Sweden cut a hole in someone’s bike tire to have sex with it. That didn’t really work, so he went to plan B, and started grinding against the back of the saddle while straddling and occasionally squeezing his thighs over the back tire. The bike owner was less upset that his bike was ravaged and more upset at the cost of all the repairs. That’s sexually liberated Scandinavia for ya. (Source)
9 | A jar of pasta sauce
In 2008, a 46-year-old man in Australia was caught having sex with a jar of pasta sauce. When the cops caught him he and the pasta sauce elected to go full Tiffany on them (running just as fast as we can, holding on to one another’s hand) — and took off. After a 10-minute car chase he pulled over but wouldn’t leave the car. The cops used pepper spray and batons to get him out, at which point he told them he’d been having sex with the pasta sauce, “in between bouts of wrestling.” (Source)
10 | A cardboard cutout of a Rite Aid sunglasses model
This one feels like the Simpsons episode where Moe Szyslak pretends he’s going to ogle the women in the Victoria’s Secret catalog, then eventually admits it will be the Sears catalog. In 2011, a 57-year-old man from Pittsfield, Massachusetts walked into a Rite Aid… saw a cardboard cutout of the Rite Aid sunglasses model… and started having his way with it. First he hugged the cutout, then kissed it, then licked it, then skipped past the rest of foreplay and started vigorously rolling around on the ground with it. The entire thing lasted one full minute. (Source)
11 | Laundry basket
A lady? A LADY? This list wouldn’t be complete without one lady, right? Ladies hump inanimate objects too. In 2011, a woman named Becky was on a horrible-sounding show (that may or may not still exist) called In the Bedroom With Dr. Laura. She admitted she liked to have sex with the corners of her laundry basket, and far preferred that to having sex with her husband. This is like the old “sitting on the washing machine to have an orgasm” cliche, only somehow less technologically advanced and more oddly sexual. (Source)