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written by Sam Greenspan

Wear your denim Looney Tunes clothes, propose on the JumboTron and keep on those sunglasses when you’re indoors.

Stereotypes are fun! Here we go…

1 | Looney Toons embroidered denim clothing

I think denim is incredibly corny in any context except jeans or ’80s parties. But having a royal blue denim shirt with Taz or Marvin the Martian hand-stitched on it takes that corniness to an adorable level.

2 | Photos in brandy snifters

I’m not sure who was the first person to think that having a photographer superimpose your photo inside of a brandy snifter would be like piling classiness on top of classiness. But I love that person. Because seeing your first newlyweds-in-a-brandy-snifter photo is like the first time you hear the Beatles.

3 | Football logo head tattoos

I’m not a big tattoo guy, but I admire these tattoos greatly. The dedication it takes to have someone jab your head with needles for hours to permanently affix your team’s logo on your body is dedication that I simply cannot measure up to.

4 | Walmart weddings

Destination weddings are always good times. Whether that destination is Maui or Walmart. Frankly, I don’t think Walmart weddings should get the shit that they do. In a lot of places, the Walmart is the most important center of the entire city. Scoring a wedding slot may only be reserved for the mayor or other local luminaries.

5 | Duct taped cars

I include this because I would totally do it. Car repairs are some of the most inflated goods and/or services I’ve ever encountered. Someone bumps your door and somehow it costs three grand.

So if, one day, I hit a bump and lose my bumper, for at least a few days, I’m taping that thing back on. I’m not trying to use my car to impress women anyway. I figure my PHP programming skills and three seconds I spend on my hair will take care of that.

6 | JumboTron proposals

If only because there’s not a single woman I know who would want this… yet these continue to happen regularly and every time the crowd goes crazy.

(Unless the proposal interferes with a t-shirt cannon break. Because people will literally cut you for a free t-shirt. If there’s one truth in life I know, it’s that people lust after free t-shirts.)

7 | Drinking milk with dinner

My family did not drink milk with dinner. Was it the whole “Jews don’t have milk and meat together” thing? Or was it because my parents knew that drinking milk with dinner makes a seemingly unsophisticated statement? This I don’t know.

What I do know: Everyone should be happy. So if you want to pour yourself a nice big glass of milk to go along with that meatloaf, spaghetti or taco, let it fly.

8 | Unfunny shirts that brag about the size of your sexy parts

I have a lot of t-shirts. (Come by my room sometime. You will be shocked.) And before I ever buy a t-shirt, I think to myself, “Am I comfortable making the statement that’s on this shirt?”

I can only assume everyone (except maybe homeless guys) has a similar pre-purchase mental debate. So God bless you, people who felt comfortable walking around in front of small children, your parents, employers and nuns with a t-shirt that says, “Skin is not my largest organ” or “Who needs big tits when you have an ass like this?”

9 | Smoking pregnant women

Drinking messes with your fetus. Smoking may mess with it. Ride that “may” as hard as you can.

10 | Sunglasses indoors

There are several major douche cliches right now. Affliction shirts. Axe body spray. Frosted tipped hair spikes straight up. Eyeliner. But none is as well known or as indefensibly douchey as wearing sunglasses to a club.

So, at this point, when I see some guy wearing sunglasses indoors, I no longer find my eyes rolling. I find myself nodding, impressed at the individualism necessary to disregard society’s best-known convention.

11 | Saying “Come here a minute” or “Oh yeah?”

I’m with you, West Springfield. I’m with you.