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written by Sam Greenspan

So many things you should not by your mother on Sunday. (Or any day.)

Mother’s Day is only a few days away (or, in England, a few months ago?) and this is your last-minute gift guide. In that these are all terrible gifts — but since they’re all on sale, your mom’s joy over you saving money will override her natural sense of horror.

Here are 11 photos of ill-advised Mother’s Day sales…

1 | Vacuum cleaners

This is a self-serving gift on the “Homer bowling ball” level. Even if your mom would appreciate a sweet new vacuum cleaner, it shouldn’t be a Mother’s Day present. It’s more of a, “Hey, look what I picked up on a random day in the middle of October” kind of thing.

2 | Adult movies

It should go without saying that picking up a big bag o’ porn for your mom is awkward. At least invite her along and make it a family outing.

3 | 40 oz

This is certainly a unique Mother’s Day brunch promotion and not necessarily one that would appeal to most moms — but if it does appeal to your mom, she must be a fascinating lady.

4 | Massage lube

Perhaps this is intended as a Mother’s Day gift from a husband to a wife? Or replace “perhaps” in that sentence with “hopefully”? (Even though it’s improper adverb use, the message is crucial.)

5 | A bevy of cleaning products

While it’s nice to put a plethora of cleaning supplies on sale for Mother’s Day, there’s not a single potential scenario where a box of laundry detergent or a package of paper towels constitutes a present.

6 | Tampons

These appear to be from the same U.K. store that was selling the lube. Does Mother’s Day mean something different over there?

7 | Lingerie

Odds are, you aren’t going to buy your mom sexy underwear for Mother’s Day — but if you are, at least have the decency not to go for this cheap stuff, man.

8 | Carb/fat control

It’s a dicey and seemingly untenable proposition to buy someone diet pills. (And yeah, this is the same store as the lube and the tampons. I’m now convinced Mother’s Day over there is all about creating as much awkward British humour as possible.)

9 | A Slayer CD

Even if your mom likes Slayer — which she obviously does — she’s not going to want you to spend $17.99 on their CD.

10 | Condoms

“Happy Mother’s Day, now make sure I never have to share your affection.”

11 | Grave marker

This is far, far too morbid to even consider. Also, can you really trust a tombstone company that doesn’t know how to spell “cemetery”?

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