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written by Sam Greenspan

Every once in a while, someone on the Internet offers up a succinct, wonderful deep thought. I’ve collected my favorites.

The Internet doesn’t have a particularly strong reputation for cultivating unique insight and deep thoughts. It DOES have a better reputation than cable TV news, but, unfortunately, a worse reputation than Mad Libs. (“Scott was driving in his PENIS to the store to buy some BUTTS” — genius!)

I’ve spent a fair amount of time going after the shallowest thoughts on the Internet in the past. (Particularly Yahoo Answers — the gift that keeps on giving.) Today I’ve collected the opposite — some of the most wonderful statements people have ever proffered online.

Here are the 11 most profound deep thoughts I’ve found on the Internet…

1 | You’re not stuck in traffic, you are the traffic

This is the mantra I now repeat to myself over and over whenever I’m forced to leave my house between 7:45 A.M. and 9:30 P.M. here in Los Angeles. It’s also the mantra I repeat over and over when I get frustrated at Waze for sending me on some kind of crazy shortcut involving off-ramps, alleys, underground tunnels, illegal use of carpool lanes and streets I’ve lived by for a decade but never heard of.

2 | One day your parents put you down and never picked you up again

There’s something wistfully sad about that. I think at this point both of my tiny parents could barely deadlift about 70 or 80 pounds, so I better REALLY get off the food if I ever want to disprove this one.

3 | Before cellphones, no one ever called a friend and said, “Where are you?”

Of course, since about 2012, no one has ever called a friend, period, but the insight is still valid.

4 | We’ll never hear about the perfect crime

Until then, we’ll have to be happy with literally 100+ TV shows ripping imperfect crimes from the headlines. Ever watched Investigative Discovery or Dateline? They’d be devastated if there were ever a perfect crime — or even a crime with any outcome other than, “The husband did it.”

5 | The only time the word “incorrectly” isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled “incorrectly”

This is an especially big moment for the Internet, which continues to invent new ways to spell words incorrectly but finds itself here in a botch-proof paradox.

6 | Today is the oldest you’ve ever been and the youngest you’ll ever be

There are a few other deep thoughts on age that are pretty good, but this is my favorite. The others are: “When the oldest living person was born, there was a 100 percent different set of people on Earth”… “For at least a moment, every single one of us was the youngest person on Earth”… and its more macabre counterpart, “At some point, you’ll be the next person on Earth to die.”

7 | The brain is the only body part that named itself

Although perhaps on the day you were naming your genitalia you let it give you some input. “Alright, I guess I’ll call you Floppy. Wasn’t my first choice, but you know best.”

8 | Everything either is or isn’t ice cream

It’s true on the broad philosophical level AND when your family decides to go out for ice cream and someone suggests a frozen yogurt place.

9 | People who say, “Don’t tell me what to do,” are hypocrites

I picked this one over another one in its family: People who say, “I literally could die,” are, technically, telling the truth.

10 | You’ve never looked at your own face

You’ve seen photos and videos of it, you’ve seen its reflection, but you’ve never actually looked directly at your own face. (Unless one of your eyeballs has ever popped out but stayed attached, I suppose. In that moment, though, you no doubt have larger concerns than, “Hey, I could take a direct look at my face right now!”) Also, in this vein, your right hand has never touched your right elbow, your left hand has never touches your left elbow and your tongue has never licked your eyeball. (Again, in all three cases, unless you’ve had a monumentally disfiguring accident.)

11 | To your stomach, all potatoes are mashed potatoes

This just beat out, “Give a man a fish and you’ll feed him for a day; give a man a poisoned fish and you’ll feed him for the rest of his life.”

Thanks to Reddit among others for being a great source to find so many of these.

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