The unique and extremely popular [citation needed] authority on pop culture since 2008

last updated on

written by Sam Greenspan

Start in Rendezvous, Wyoming… swing through Intercourse, Pennsylvania… and end at Climax, North Carolina. Plus everywhere in between.

This breaks from my usual format but, hey, when inspiration calls you’ve got to accept the charges. Enjoy this sexual tour of the United States, in the logical order of how the tour should go.

1 | Rendezvous, Wyoming; Last Resort Creek, Colorado; or Hooker, Arkansas

You can start the tour in any of those three cities, in decreasing order of how well your night went.

2 | Kissimmee, Florida

A natural second stop. Warm, familiar.

3 | Boob Creek, Alaska

A slightly more adventurous third stop.

4 | Blastow Cove, Maine

Yep, I went there. Not in the literal sense — I’ve never been here in real life — but in the metaphorical “Don’t GO there!” sense.

5 | Handy, Indiana

There are also cities named Handy in Georgia, Missouri and North Carolina, if those are more convenient.

6 | Big Bone Lick, Kentucky and Oral, Tennessee

These are pretty close to each other. I like that when I looked up Big Bone Lick it came up on Google as “Big Bone Lick, KY.” I’m feeling awfully mature tonight, by the way.

7 | Spread Eagle, Wisconsin

This is a good stop. Don’t feel guilty that it sounds like it’s a nice Native American city.

8 | Intercourse, Pennsylvania

The inspiration for the whole list. And for an infinite number of jokes throughout history.

9 | Anal, Marshall Islands

The Marshall Islands, for those who don’t know, are “a Democratic Presidential Republic in free association with the U.S.” The U.S. invaded and occupied them during World War II. They’re not under U.S. control anymore, but we test missiles from a base there and their currency is the U.S. dollar.

I share all these facts to justify putting the only place in the world with the name “Anal” on a list about a sexual tour of the United States.

10 | Climax, North Carolina

Or everything can go wrong. If you’re a guy, you can head to Blue Ball, Pennsylvania. If you’re a lady, it could either be Faker, Texas, or you can tell the guy he belongs in Failetown, Alabama. And then, you both can head to Self, Arkansas.

11 | Bolt, Oregon

Because no one wants to end the tour in Snoring Bay, Washington.