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written by Sam Greenspan

On the eve of my ACL surgery, I get advice from the world’s worst advice givers.

So in just a few hours I’m going in for surgery on my torn ACL. And with that on the horizon, most people would say: Get some good advice. Talk to doctors, physical therapists, trainers, athletes.

But I say: Good advice is for cowards. Instead, I’d like the world’s worst possible advice.

And for that, the only place you can go is the world’s most glorious collection of idiocy, Yahoo Answers!

Last time I did an 11 points list about Yahoo Answers (11 Stupid Questions From Yahoo Answers That Have Changed My Life), it wound up being one of the most popular lists I’ve ever done. And I expect this one to follow in its footsteps. Because Yahoo Answers is your new religion, don’t try to fight it.

1 | I really badly need to tear my acl?

Well this should get us off to a roaring start. He writes…

the doctor says my acl could tear very easily because its weak. so i want to stop worrying about it and just get it over with and tear it. so help me out how can i tear my acl? and dont tell me its dumb cause they said there is a 90% chance its gonna happen anyway

Oh guy. Come on. First off, you seem to already have a broken Caps Lock or shift key… might want to look into getting that fixed first.

Second, your question is like saying “I’ve heard that four out of five people have herpes, how can I speed up the process and get it?” And coincidentally, the answer to both of those scenarios is: “Sex with a dirty prostitute while doing The Twist.”

2 | Just had knee ACL replacement surgery / sex positions?

OK, not so much a question, but a statement with a question mark at the end. Let’s see what happens…

I just had knee ACL replacement surgery on friday and my boyfriend and I are wanting to have sex but I’m afraid of hurting my knee worse. Are there any positions that are easier or not as painful? I am open to all serious answers. Thank you!

You hear that, Yahoo Answers community. Serious answers only.

Sadly for this horny little lady, she only got one with two suggestions: “On your side and place a pillow between the knees, the hurt leg on the bottom”… and “standing up and leaning on one foot.”

Weird, I would’ve gone with “hang a stirrup from the ceiling and toss the good leg the other direction.”

3 | Im having acl suguery is it a good idea to have a shot or 2?

Drinking before surgery? Or, as you put it, suguery? I don’t see how that can fail. (You know, except for all the infinite ways it could fail.)

4 | Hip piercing question..?

Brad.18 poses this question fragment, then elaborates…

im planning on getting my hips pierced…but im also getting acl knee surgery soon..i plan on getting my hips pierced about two weeks after this surgery…will i have complication because my body is healing from surgery..?

The saddest part is that I’m so old and piercing-averse that I didn’t even know what a hip piercing was. To me, a hip piercing is a nose ring. HI-YO! Get it? Hip? Anyone? Did I already say HI-YO!?

5 | I have a large knee scar from ACL surgery…..can it be tattooed over?

I love today’s generation of kids. The answer to everything is a tattoo. Nothing like taking a small scar and drawing absurd attention to it by turning it into, oh, I don’t know, the stem of a rose or a dragon’s spine.


I would’ve given the Yahoo Answers community a lot of credit if someone had just responded “Yes” (or “Yes, moron”) and that closed the question.

7 | What happens to an unconscious patient immediately after ACL surgery?

What exactly do the nurses do after after rolling the patient into the recovery room? Also, do they ever put a penis catheter in for a standard ACL surgery? I’ve been told that after you become unconscious at the beginning of the surgery they often pull your boxers off and then redress you afterwords. Is that true? For an ACL surgery?

He also provided a little follow-up after getting some answers…

Thanks a lot… If I am given a penis catheter and it was taken out while I’m still unconscious afterwords will I definately know it had been there by the way it feels afterwords?

Man I hope I’m not the unsuspecting recipient of a “penis catheter” this morning. Let’s try to keep my penis out of the equation. I got big future plans for it.

8 | Which is the most intense pain experienced by man?

How this relates to the ACL? One of the more popular answers is:

Getting your balls cut off while tearing your ACL and breaking your leg at the same time.

Seriously, I preferred the answer given by a user named Seth M: “getting your dk bit wile a gurl is giving a bj”

9 | Is this love or infatuation? (if you dont know at least it is a good read)?

How does this relate to the ACL? Let’s see…

there is this girl i know by FAR the most amazing girl i have ever witnessed … the city she lives in has over a million people. whats strange is almost everytimed i go to shop or whateverr i always run into her … i feel as if i am going to say a speech in front of a million people BEFORE I EVEN KNOW SHE IS AROUND…

although i know she likes me she never wants to give me her number. last time she gave me a fake which really pissed me off. she is a bit of a flirt but she doesnt give ANY other guy the same attention…

whats even stranger is when my ex fiancee (who was offered a modeling position at victorias secret) and i first kissed the i thought of is that one girl… and when i proposed she popped into my head for some reason. (my ex and i broke up because i caught her with a random guy while i was supposed to have been at work)…

dont get me wrong i have girls always come up to me. ive been told im extremely attractive. i played runningback in college but i tore my acl. but when i hear a love song i think of her.

OK. This Yahoo Answers post has an incredibly tenuous connection to this ACL-related list. But I just wanted to bring this guy’s story to light. Between the fake number, cheating fiancee and raging insecurity, I just don’t think this guy’s going to get the happy ending he’s looking for.

Is it bad karma to make fun of people a few hours before major surgery? Let’s REALLY hope not.

10 | I have type 2 diabetes, what is acl ?

The answer that was voted best begins: “Hi I am Chris, are you sure you do not mean the A1C test? Because the ACL is for a torn ligament.”

11 | How many people tare their acl each year?

Damn. I don’t have a persice number for you, sorry.

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