Veal, Subway’s $5 ham footlong, American cheese and more.
Yesterday, my friend Ilana and I got into a discussion about how we both had no idea what wines you’re supposed to drink with what foods. Other than the absolute basics (red wine with red meat, white wine with fish, the sweetest wine possible with gefilte fish)… we’re clueless.
So, in the interest of self education and public service, here are 11 really, really obscure foods you’re supposed to pair with white wine. So next time you order an asparagus quiche, think of me.
1 | Tandoori chicken
Not one of those 9,000-calorie mango drinks that all the Indian places try to push on you.
2 | Cheese, except cheddar and blue
True story: One time in college, in a doomed-from-the-start effort to be classy, some guys I knew threw a wine and cheese “party” for like four girls. But the cheese they got ended up being moldy, so they served American cheese. And while yes, technically, since it’s not cheddar or blue, it would qualify on this list… still seems like a really bad call.
3 | Asparagus quiche
Really. I’m not sure what to do about other quiches though. My crack research staff (aka me sitting alone in my room at 1:21 am) couldn’t find that info.
4 | Sashimi
Saki is so 2002 anyways. All “bomb” drinks are. Irish car bombs, Jager bombs, Saki bombs. They all reek of you trying too hard.
5 | Veal
Because nothing says “a malnourished baby cow deserved to die for my gastronomical enjoyment” like a $2 bottle of Trader Joe’s finest white.
6 | Irish stew
Just in case, next St. Patrick’s Day, you’re thinking, “Yeah, I can see approximately 600,000 people and they’re all drinking beer… but while I eat this Irish stew, I’d really like to sip some white wine.”
7 | Subway $5 ham footlong
Semi-tangent here: Is it possible that the “Five… five dollar foot-longs” jingle is the most catching advertising jingle of the 2000s? I’m not sure if I can think of a competitor.
8 | Vegetable soup
Although I don’t really get why you’d drink wine with soup. They’re both liquids, right? Seems like overkill. It’s like playing basketball in full football pads. (Or something.)
9 | Guacamole
Not sure if people order wine at Mexican restaurants, but if you decide to… guac and white apparently go together well. Although I can’t really wrap my head around sipping white wine, dipping chips in guacamole and listening to a mariachi band play La Bamba for the eighth time of the night.
10 | Sauerkraut
Sexy date food, by the way.
11 | Oysters
And thus I have solved the mystery of why people think oysters are an aphrodisiac. They’re not. They’re gross. They look gross when you eat, they taste gross in your mouth, and the only thing they actually put you in the mood for is a full pack of gum to get their taste out of your burps.
But, turns out, if you get drunk enough…