In arguably the most niche list ever on 11 Points, I draw parallels between characters on OITNB and WWE wrestlers. If you both OITNB and WWE, either OITNB or WWE, or just reading things, I hope you’ll check it out.
Sometimes I write a list that I’m afraid no one else in the world will get. This is a list I *know* no one else in the world will get. But on the off, off chance you’re sitting with me in the tiny Venn diagram intersection between WWE fans and Orange Is the New Black fans, you should absolutely love this. (And if you are one of those, please pass it along to anyone you know who’s also one of those.)
And maybe, if you’re a fan of either Orange Is the New Black or WWE but not the other, you’ll still like this. Also, maybe, if you’re not a fan of either but enjoy looking at words and pictures, you’ll like this.
Warning: Orange Is the New Black season two spoilers are all over this thing
Here are 11 comparisons between characters on Orange Is the New Black and WWE wrestlers.
1 | Piper Chapman is John Cena
Whether you like it or not and whether you’re sick of them or not, Piper and Cena are both the Poochies of their respective universes. Ultimately, all roads lead through them and when they’re not around for a little while, all the other characters are required to start asking where they are. The story always comes back to them, they get main event treatment regardless of how many other characters are more fresh and exciting than them, and you know that if a plot isn’t focusing on them, it will soon enough.
Piper got two flashback episodes this season at the expense of so many other great characters who are desperate for more development (especially the Latinas and the old ladies). Cena is (probably) winning the WWE championship for the 847th time on Sunday at the expense of elevating anyone new (especially Bray Wyatt, Cesaro and the Shield guys).
2 | Alex Vause is Randy Orton
Orton is Cena-lite. He may have periods where he’s a little less relevant (Cena never has such periods) but Orton is Harry-Voldemort bonded to Cena so he’s always going to find his way back to the main event. Alex is bonded like that to Piper; she may not be as prominently featured and may go away for stretches (like she did in season 2), but she’ll always be there as the unshakable foil to the top character.
Also… both Randy Orton (the person, not the character) and Laura Prepon sometimes look just a little bit bored playing their characters.
3 | Crazy Eyes is Cesaro
Both of them rose through the ranks unexpectedly; they both did tremendous things with the limited material and sometimes caricature flourishes they were dealt. The fans rallied hard behind both of them and then — both of them made strange heel turns. Crazy Eyes was turned into a mercenary for Vee, Cesaro was aligned with Paul Heyman.
4 | Tiffany “Pennsatucky” Doggett is Damien Sandow
Both of them were great heels who wound up getting turned into comic relief. They both got a big push about a year ago (Pennsatucky as the main antagonist of season 1, Sandow winning Money in the Bank)… both lost a climactic battle (Pennsatucky gets beat up by Piper, Sandow loses to Cena on his cash-in)… and both ultimately downward spiraled into basically just saying funny things.
5 | Daya and Bennett are Sheamus and Alberto Del Rio
They’ve never had character development, they’re eye-wateringly boring, you groan when they come on, and everyone’s sick of them — except for the people in charge, meaning they get prominent screen time every single week.
6 | Sophia is Dolph Ziggler
Two massive fan favorites whom the fans want to see vaulted into the most important storylines — but are inexplicably kept down. Sophia’s lack of involvement in season two of OITNB was shocking, considering how much press Laverne Cox did and what an interesting, breakthrough character she plays. Dolph also gets mainstream press — from his interactions with Hugh Jackman and Amy Schumer — and is one of the top two workers on the roster, but still floats around the WWE midcard in unimportant roles. They both deserve way bigger pushes… yet in both cases, you find yourself questioning whether they’ll ever get them.
7 | Vee is Bray Wyatt
They’re both new, sociopathic, cult leader bad guys who are so good at being bad that the fans can’t help but like them.I tried to keep this going — Cindy and Watson are Harper and Rowan, I guess Taystee would be Vee’s Daniel Bryan, meaning Poussey is Brie Bella — see, it really gets away from me.
8 | Brook Soso is the cast of Total Divas
Young, cute and annoying. In both cases, the powers-that-be know we find them annoying but think we’re still mostly entertained; in both cases, we’re more annoyed than they realize. There’s a pro wrestling term called “X-Pac heat” (named, naturally, after a wrestler X-Pac) where the fans boo someone not because he’s a bad guy, but because they really want him to go away. The Soso-Total Divas crew have X-Pac heat.
9 | Larry is Brad Maddox
No idea why either guy is still around. Both are goofy, but not endearingly so. Both occasionally get tangled in major story lines, but generally have no real effect on how they turn out. Pretty much every other character on the roster is more important than both of them so it’s frustrating when they take up valuable screen time. And yet, when cuts are made, both manage to survive.
10 | Miss Claudette is CM Punk
It seemed like both characters had no where left to go so it was time to walk away — but both added a layer of realism and unique emotion that no one else can really match and both are deeply missed.
11 | Miss Rosa is Daniel Bryan
Neither of them has the “look” of a superstar — Rosa is older and bald, Bryan is short and bearded. Neither of them was brought in to be a headliner. Then, somehow, both of them broke through so spectacularly that they earned the right to finally take down the giant bad guy at the biggest event of the year. Rosa was the one who surprisingly, finally got to take out Vee in the season finale; Bryan was the one who got to take out HHH and Evolution at Wrestlemania.
They also both have the most repeatable catchphrases of their worlds. It’s hard to find a photo of Rosa online now without “Always so rude, that one” on it; of course, Bryan has the “Yes” chant.
And then… health reasons cut both of their victories short. Rosa (seemingly) won’t be back next season due to dying; Bryan needed neck surgery and was stripped of the title and his spot.