With Sam’s wedding coming up, he looks to the braintrust at Yahoo Answers for their ridiculous thoughts on getting married.
Twist: I’m getting married this weekend. We’ve been doing nonstop wedding prep for the last few weeks. (Well, full disclosure: my wife-to-be has been doing a ton of wedding prep for the last year, I just jumped in the past few weeks. But, despite my relatively minor role, I’ve still been saying things like “Whew, this is tough!” and “Boy howdy, am I stressed!” and she hasn’t called the wedding off. Possibly because she’s already put in too much work on it. Paradox victory for me.)
And I figured before such a major life event, who else should I turn to but the brilliant braintrust of Yahoo! Answers?
If you’re unfamiliar, Yahoo! Answers is a legendary online gathering where the blind lead the blind for our amusement. People post absurd, but sincere, questions and others respond in kind. I’ve consulted with Yahoo! Answers in the past (including before my torn ACL surgery, about April Fools’ day pranks, and to get their thoughts on Judaism and black people). But it’s been years since I sought them out, and there’s no better occasion than now to reconnect.
Here are 11 deep thoughts and questions about weddings from the geniuses at Yahoo! Answers.
1 | Like the warts on your dick, it won’t go away unless you start using topical cream every day
Of course, this begs the question: What were you doing that led to poison ivy on your dick on your wedding eve? That seems like a really inopportune time to be nude in the wilderness. Perhaps he was trying to squeeze in one last man-on-plant bang-out before it became adultery? Or he has a vast misunderstanding of the process of photosynthesis? (link)
2 | “My husband cheated on me with a duck on our wedding day”
When I saw the headline, I thought she was talking about an actual duck. Turns out she was only talking about one of her best friends who happens to look like a duck. Huge bait-and-switch right there. She should write headlines for Drudge Report. (link)
3 | There’s no such thing as a Scotchtoberfest wedding
I can’t judge this girl. Some wedding traditions are universally cool. Bagpipes are amazing and should be incorporated into non-Scottish weddings. At my wedding, I get to break a glass, which is a good tradition — but I asked at least four black people if it would be appropriate for me to also jump over a broom. I love that tradition. (And by the way, four out of four black people agree: Who gives a shit?) (link)
4 | At least this happened post-wedding
To speculate on the blame for what made this woman soil her wedding dress, I’d say there’s a 51 percent chance she couldn’t get out of her girdle and Spanx in time to make it to the toilet… a 30 percent chance her dress had a bunch of ruffles… an 18 percent chance she ate unhealthy food for the first time in two months at her wedding and lost control on the dance floor… and a one percent chance there are five or six guys who will never take chair duty during Hava Nagila again. (link)
5 | And speaking of getting bodily fluids out of wedding dresses
I love that a half hour before the wedding this woman somehow got ejaculate on her wedding dress — then decided the best place to turn was Yahoo! Answers. That’s like calling your therapist to ask for advice on which restaurant to go to. (link)
6 | The menstrual/marital cycle
I’d like to think her use of “rediculous” was clever, albeit somewhat crude, period-related wordplay. It is not. (link)
7 | The wedding is so good, make you wanna slap yo mamma
He didn’t actually slap his mother-in-law, but just drunkenly “punched her (not in the face, an upper cut to the ribs)” and fortunately he doesn’t “think anything was broken.” I can’t guarantee this, but I’m pretty sure the actual worst thing you can do at a wedding is punching your new wife’s mother. You could pull a Graduate window banging-runaway move and ultimately find easier forgiveness. (link)
8 | Wax off
Sometimes Yahoo! Answers gets trolls making up questions that are too over-the-top. My initial sense here was that this was a fake question — the testicle removal threat seemed like a vast escalation — but subsequent posts from The Keymaker made me believe that maybe, just maybe, he meant this. Also, I think he should go see how waxing works. It’s zero percent sexual for any of the participants. It’s like when you see a vagina in one of those health class videos about the miracle of birth. You’re seeing a vagina but you’re NOT thinking about its sexual-related functions. (link)
9 | This harkens back to Finders v. Keepers
I guess it depends. Did the person officiating the wedding say “no takebacks, you owe me a Cadillac” or not? Without that information how can we possibly make a ruling? (link)
10 | Whoever asked this is not a perfect person
How DARE you, sir or madam.
How dare you. (link)
11 | Tales From the Internet Cafe
This is another person who really needs to get her life priorities straight. Cheating on your husband on your wedding night is one thing; consulting Yahoo! Answers for advice in an emergency situation is what REALLY shows a deficiency in her character. (link)