Forbes did glamour shots for all of their most powerful women, so let’s take their lead and only pay attention to their looks.
A couple of days ago, Forbes released their annual list of the 100 Most Powerful Women in the World. Which includes photos of all 100 women. And not just any photos — in most cases, the photos are glamour shots. (By that I mean photos that are touched up, posed, or otherwise gorgeous… not that they took Angela Merkel to a mall in the early ’90s and dolled her up with 16 cans of hairspray.)
Check out this example below. Dr. Stephanie Burns, the CEO of Dow Corning, is clearly happy with how she looks. I know this because the photo on the right is the official photo of her on Dow Corning’s website where, I would assume, she had the power to pick her photo (or at least pull a bad one). But Forbes decided to go with a photo that shows her much younger, much thinner, much more stylish and much less dowdy.
Forbes doesn’t do this on other lists. For the list of the richest people in the world, they’ll slap up a photo of a male billionaire showing 15 chins and making a Fire Marshall Bill face. But Forbes won’t let that fly for the women. Power is nice, but beauty is what really matters, right?
So I’m going to take their lead. Let’s objectify the hell out of 11 women who could buy and sell our sorry asses!
1 | Queen Raina, Queen, Jordan
Listen up, guys. She’s 38 years old, with long brown hair and deep, soulful eyes. She does lots of charity work, she’s royalty and she’s on Twitter!
Even after popping out four kids she’s still got a body that turns a young boy in Jordan into Amman. (HI-YO!)
But be careful, guys — she’s married to the king. So try to have Twitsex with her and off with your head! (Just kidding. Sort of.)
2 | Yulia Tymoshenko, Prime Minister, Ukraine
You may be like Kramer and think the Ukraine is a weak and feeble nation, but when prime minister Yulia Tymoshenko walks by, she’ll make you crane your neck for a better look.
With her delicately Slavic features that make her look way younger than her 48 years, and her hairstyle that’s half-halo, half-Princess Leia, she’ll be your favorite candidate for prime minister AND Ukraine’s Next Top Model. (Hosted by Tyra Banks, who spends the first three episodes obnoxiously laughing about how many times she’s confused the two Georgias.)
3 | Efrat Peled, CEO, Arison Investments in Israel
A nice Jewish girl to take home to your family, Efrat has that exotic Tel Avivian beauty that reminds me of the actresses in the low production value Israeli movies they used to show us in Hebrew school.
Trust me, guys, it would not be kosher to pass her over. She’s a (yom) keeper.
4 | Stacey Snider, CEO, DreamWorks SKG
The lovely Stacey is the rare combo of beauty and brains that could never happen in real life… it only works in dreams.
No Stepford wife, here, when weaker women would’ve given up and gone for an easy paycheck, Stacey used her beautiful mind to cast away those doubts and begin taking a road trip to making a deep impact on Hollywood.
The 48-year-old Stacey is a petite blond bombshell who all should envy because, truly, she’s the man.
And now I am officially punned out. It was about to get old anyway. When I decided to pun that much for all 11 ladies, I think I norbit off more than I could chew.
5 | Marina Berlusconi, Chairman, Fininvest Group
You can say she only got her job because she’s attractive. Or you can say she only got her job because her father (who happens to be prime minister of Italy) owns the company. I say no way. Who do you think she is, Stephanie McMahon-Levesque?
You may call her Paris-Hilton-with-slightly-better-business-savvy, though… as the 43-year-old Marina is the only lady on our list with an easily-available nip slip picture online. (Fortunately for her, that pales in comparison to her father’s scandals.)
6 | Deirdre Connelly, President, North American Pharmaceuticals for GlaxoSmithKline
Doesn’t she look exactly like someone Jennifer Beals would’ve dated on The L Word? Some women look like Bette girls, some look like Alice girls. Deirdre looks like a Bette.
Beyond that, she’s put together, sassy AND her company can provide her with an unlimited supply of Valtrex. Enough to share!
7 | Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner, President, Argentina
Pouty Lisa Rinna lips and a gleam of naughty in her eyes, Madam President will have you screaming GOOOOOOAL!
Let’s just put it this way — she’s the second-most famous female in Argentina political history, but if they make a movie about her life, she’s not going to be portrayed by a weathered, washed-up Madonna.
In about a decade, she’ll be a perfect role for Angelina Jolie… when Angelina Jolie’s on a later-in-her-career, Karl Malone-esque carpetbagging quest for a Best Lead Actress Oscar.
8 | Anne Sweeney, Co-Chair, Disney Media Networks
Check out this hot little lady! By the looks of her, you’ll get a little bit of Julianne Moore, a little bit of Sigourney Weaver… and a whole lot of no-nonsense role playing.
Most importantly, I’m fairly sure she’s not a ginger.
9 | Sallie Krawcheck, CEO, Global Wealth Management, Bank of America
She’s a fine Southern belle who grew up in Charleston and will make you want to secede from your current girlfriend to try to penetrate her Fort Sumpter.
Sallie’s at the ripe cougin’ age of 45 and, according to a quote that comes right off the best place for reliable, honest quotes — anonymous blog comments — Sallie “uses sex as one of her big weapons.” Line forms here, fellas.
10 | Andrea Jung, CEO, Avon
I want to love you (P.J.T.), pretty Jung thing, you need some lovin’ (T.L.C.), tender lovin’ care. And I’llllllll buy your door-to-door cosmetics.
11 | Ursula Burns, CEO, Xerox
OK, I’m not gonna lie, I think I just put her on here because she looks remarkably like Tracy Morgan.
I’d like to thank Forbes — and society’s ingrained gender roles — for the opportunity to do this list. I couldn’t have done it without you!