From Cap’n Crunch to the Noid, why do companies gravitate toward cartoon outlaws as their mascots?
Every once in a while I’ll write a list that will elicit a large number of “what the hell goes on in your mind” e-mails. I have a suspicion that this is one of those lists.
And now I will spend at least two hours of my life writing about why different food and drink mascots should go to prison.
Here are 11 famous advertising mascots and the crimes they’ve committed. (And no, I didn’t include Kobe Bryant.)
1 | The Hamburglar – grand theft
He’s probably the most famous character on this list — kind of the Charles Manson of mascot criminals (minus the swastika carved into his forehead, unless his big hat is covering it).
Based on the number of burgers he’s stolen from McDonaldland, I’ve got him up in the grand theft range. And he’s not getting off — when he gets on the stand and his only response to any of the prosecutor’s questions is “robble robble” he’s going to prison.
2 | Chick-Fil-A Cows – trespassing, battery, inducing panic
Look, I love Chick-Fil-A. On my recent road trip through the South I was thrilled to see there’s one on every corner. But their cows are committing crimes.
I’m specifically talking about this commercial that features them parachuting into a crowded stadium, assaulting a burger vendor and running around on the field. The only animals that should be on the field at sporting events are caged mascots, bulls about to be killed by matadors, birds about to be killed by Randy Johnson, bucking broncos, horses or little horses, and white trash father-son teams who hate the Kansas City Royals.
3 | Frito Bandito – theft, illegal immigration
It’s amazing that less than 40 years ago advertising mascots were allowed to be blatantly racist stereotypes. These days only sports mascots are allowed to be racist stereotypes.
4 | The Noid – terrorism
I feel like you could pop the Noid for tortious interference with business, based on his repeated attempts to destroy the Domino’s pizza being made for customers… but, ultimately, his litany of supervillian-esque anti-pizza schemes should probably land him in Guantanamo Bay. (Or Obama’s new spinoff version Guantanamo Bay: Illinois.)
The weapons that he creates — from the Pizza Crusher to the Freeze Gun — certainly qualify as weapons of mass destruction. Let’s get him on a watch list. (I hear it’s effective these days.)
5 | Cookie Crook – attempted burglary, resisting arrest
I don’t know if the Cookie Crook ever actually got his hands on Cookie Crisp. (Which, ironically, would’ve brought upon him almost instant diabetes and the loss of his feet.)
(OK, I know that’s improper use of “ironically.” But I liked the way that sentence flowed. And this is the Internet. Irony, your and it’s mean the same things as coincidence, you’re and its, respectively.)
6 | Coors Light Twins – incest
The Coors Light commercials that would rattle off a list of things guys like, including twiiiiiiiins, always felt unsavory to me.
As a person who has never had a twin fantasy, I never quite understand the motivation behind it. Let’s say you beat Powerball-like odds and actually find yourself having a threesome with two twins. Are they supposed to do sexual stuff to each other? Or is it like a Devil’s Threeway, where the two guys never make any contact, except perhaps one quick Eiffel Tower?
And if the twins aren’t supposed to get incestuous on each other, then what’s really the point of the threesome? No matter which one you look at, you’re seeing the same thing. How do you know you’re not neglecting one of them? You can’t tell them apart.
7 | Kool-Aid Man – willful and malicious destruction of property
Based on the Kool-Aid Man’s size and a repair estimate I got when I called a very confused contractor to ask this question, each time the Kool-Aid Man busts through a wall it probably runs the homeowners upwards of $4,000. Oh yeah, indeed.
8 | Coppertone Dog – dissemination of child pornography
Let’s just put it this way, dog: If you start IMing with someone and she invites you over to her house, don’t be shocked when you find an unbelievably smug Dateline reporter standing in the kitchen asking you “What are you doing here?”
9 | Hawaiian Punch’s Punchy – aggravated battery
I actually shudder to think of how many bullies were embiggened by the actions of Punchy. This guy would actually just walk up to people on the street and punch them. All that in support of a fruit juice that only contains trace amounts of fruit. (It sure does mask the taste of Everclear though.)
10 | Cap’n Crunch – piracy
There are actually laws against piracy still on the books — they were dusted off for the first time last year to charge a Somali pirate who was arrested and brought to the U.S.
And I think Cap’n Crunch would also get hit with those charges. Hopefully the good people at Chico’s Bail Bonds will allow him to pay them back with buried treasure.
11 | Cavity Creeps – acts of war
You can’t just go around declaring war on nearby cities. (As I said, I was just in the South. A few of them asked me if that was still the case.)
So besieging Toothopolis is an act of war, subject to, at a minimum, a military response. Whether that involves being shot by Crest missiles or something a little more mushroom cloud-y. Plus, the Cavity Creeps would get hit with sedition charges and heavy, heavy casualties. All around a terrible move.
