Some great historical sexual terms that are now gone, but are worth revisiting and reviving.
There’s something that I just love about antiquated English. As the dictionary adds words like “defriending” and “muggle,” I like to think about the words they take out. And pepper those into conversation whenever I can.
This goes doubly when discussing sex. It stands to reason — people have been talking about sex since they figured out how to do it… and, because of the eternal taboo surrounding it, they’ve created millions of euphemisms for sex and other alternative words.
I dug through some old dictionaries to find these out-of-date sexual terms, all of which would really be great in the modern vernacular. For times when saying “buggery” and “slattern” isn’t dated enough, these terms come into play.
11 archaic sexual terms we need to bring back
Some of these sexual terms can be quite poetic or scientific, and I can assure you that they have their place in the modern world.
If you are hungry for more, you can always visit my next article, 11 More Amazing Antiquated Sexual Terms That Need to Be Brought Back.
Enjoy, fornicators.
1 | St. George and the dragon – sex with the woman on top of the man
This term is based off the Christian story about St. George visiting a pagan town, taming the dragon that was terrorizing them, and then offering to kill the dragon if everyone in the town converted to Christianity. You know, par for the course.
Anyway, you can see this depicted repeatedly in fine art and even on a Russian flag (that actually looked badass with it). It always looks like St. George and his horse are mounting the dragon. And there’s stabbing involved.
Through that iconography, this evolved into a euphemism for female-on-male sex. (Which is ironic, since St. George killing the dragon and then converting the town was clearly missionary work.)
2 | houghmagandy – sexual intercourse, generally adulterous in nature
I like this one for times when words like intercourse and coitus feel too common. It also has a wonderful, comedy-friendly pronunciation — HOCH-muh-gan-dee — with the first syllable like you’re clearing your throat and/or doing a derivative impression of a Middle Easterner.
So if you’re in a cosplay with the elves, fairies, and princesses, you might want to consider employing this sexual euphemism. Go ahead and whisper to a captivating damsel and ask, “Fair maiden, might thou be enticed to partake in a delightful evening of houghmagandy?”
3 | cottager – one who solicits sex in a public toilet
Part of the age-old question: What came first, the cottager or the glory hole? If not for the cottager, there would be no need for the glory hole… but if not for the glory hole, would one even endeavor to be a cottager? It’s these questions and more I’m going to answer if philosophy ever becomes a viable career again.
4 | lechercraft – an act of promiscuity; modern: a one-night stand
I chose this because even though lechercraft is a portmanteau of the words “lecher” and “craft”, the term used to describe the art of seduction, it still felt like a mash-up of lechers and hovercrafts, and that paints such a vivid picture in my head.
A group of perverts riding down a river on a hovercraft. It’s similar to that painting of Washington crossing the Delaware, just with more wispy mustaches and sleeveless t-shirts.
But if you want to use this antiquated sexual term in a charming and stylish manner that may pique a woman’s interest (aka increase your chances of getting laid), you might consider approaching her with a line like this: “Madam, I must confess that I am no stranger to the allure of lechercraft, but I assure you, my intentions are honorable and my admiration for you runs deeper than mere fleeting pleasures.”
5 | make a coffee house of a woman’s c*** – withdrawing from sex before ejaculation
This is a Shakespearean-era term. “Coffee house” is a term for a brothel; and when you pull out, you’ve treated the beautiful act of making love to your woman the same way you’d handle a lady of a coffee house. (A barista, perhaps?) Anyway, all I could think of was Idiocracy and its Starbuxxx locations.
6 | warming pan – a mistress
The real definition of a warming pan is a pan that people used to heat the bedsheets. This alternate definition is a mid-1600s term for a female involved in an adulterous relationship. Somehow, it is an evocative, unmatched mix of hilarious, offensive, misogynistic and graphic. Comparing a woman to a warm household appliances will do that.
7 | detumescence – the state of a non-erect penis
It’s such an elegant term for being flaccid no matter the size of the penis. And, fittingly, it sounds like one of the acts in a Greek tragedy.
It is the opposite of tumescence, which refers to the swelling and engorgement of sexual organs due to sexual excitement or stimulation.
8 | slam like a dunny door in a gale – a quick sexual encounter
To translate from folksy colloquial to English, a dunny door is an outhouse door… and when there’s wind, it slams open and shut, back and forth, quickly. This is a term that Dan Rather or Keith Jackson would use when doing commentary on your sexual relations. They may also pepper it with some Whoa Nellys and some Hold the Phones.
9 | algolagnia – a sexual tendency where one derives sexual pleasure and stimulation from physical pain
Algolagnia is a term used to describe a sexual tendency or preference where an individual derives sexual pleasure and stimulation from physical pain or masochistic activities.
This is a very ornate way of talking about sadomasochism. You can tell it’s ornate because the official pronunciation is /ælgə lægniə/ — and anything with that many diphthongs and schwas is clearly putting on airs.
10 | tribadism – non-penetrative sex between two women
It comes from the Greek word “tribas,” meaning a woman who rubs.
We modern brutes prefer “scissoring.” South Park gets at least 98 percent of the blame for that. I know I can’t even say the word “scissors” when referring to actual, metal, paper-cutting scissors without slipping into a Mr. Garrison voice.
11 | grass sandwich – sex outdoors
Of all the sexual terms in this list, this one sounds the most interesting.
If only they’d kept going and created “sandwich” descriptions of all the different places to have sex. Sex in a bed could be a sheet sandwich, sex in the kitchen could be a Formica sandwich, sex in the backseat could be a vinyl sandwich or leather sandwich (depending on the options package), and sex on the beach could be a sand2wich.
Yup, 60 words, all as a setup to an exponent joke.