What are people most likely to worry about in bed?
My only fear about sex is not having it, am I right!, fellas? Up top!
No? OK. Fair. I’ll just put my hand down.
A survey recently found the top fears and concerns American men and women have during sex. And unlike so many surveys that cowardly cut off the results at 10, they just plowed through to 11 and beyond. Good job, survey administrators! Up top!
STILL no one? I get left hanging quite a bit in my imaginary scenarios.
Here are the 11 biggest fears during sex, in reverse order for dramatic effect.
11 | You’ll say the wrong name during sex
Once upon a time, I wrote a dating book. In said book, I speculated that no one outside of a movie had ever called someone the wrong name during sex. That might’ve been a bit hyperbolic, but not that far off. So if this is a legitimate fear you bear, you’re watching too many movies. Are you also worried that when you’re going to break up with someone, they’re going to cut you off because they want to say something first, and tell you all about nine separate misfortunes they just experienced and how you are their only lighthouse in the storm? “Anyway, I’m rambling, you were saying something…”
10 | Your partner will find you too kinky
I guess if you do have some sort of… shall we say, avant garde… sexual predilection, it’s always a terrible quandary of when to introduce it. And do you talk about it first, or just kinda go for it and hope you don’t get a horrified reaction?
9 | Your penis/breasts are too big
Ah, testing the fine line between sharing a fear and seizing an opportunity to brag, I see.
8 | Your partner will be turned off by the noises you make
I remember the first time I saw Porky’s and there’s that sex scene with Kim Cattrall. (Did she ever go on to have any other sex scenes?) She’s howling during sex and everyone in the gym hears. I wondered if that would happen in real life. After gathering empirical evidence via roommates and neighbors for all these years, I’m thinking it’s more of an outlier.
7 | Your penis/breasts are too small
Unlike the previous penis/breast size worry, this one seems more legitimate. And ranked surprisingly low, all things considered.
6 | You won’t be satisfied/orgasm
Women were almost 50 percent more likely to have this concern than men.
5 | Your body hair is a turnoff
Now that I’m entering the age where I’m losing the battle with body hair, I totally get this one. As of my latest census, I now have six long, dark tricep hairs on each arm, one small but furious patch of back hair, and my eyebrows can no longer be controlled or tamed. I assume ear and knuckle hair are coming any day now.
4 | An embarrassing bodily function will occur
Like your heart pounding too loudly due to such deep feelings of love, I assume.
3 | Your partner won’t be satisfied/orgasm
Men were (rightfully) more concerned about this scenario than women, but not by a huge margin. It’s kind of heartwarming that in the modern casual sex Tinder era people are surprisingly preoccupied with whether their sexual partners are enjoying themselves. Why, the next thing you know, people are going to be concerned with learning their sexual partners’ last names.
2 | The condom will break/unexpected pregnancy
I always assumed a baby would change my life in every way and be a ton of work — and now that I have a baby, I can safely say I underestimated on both fronts. So yeah, it’s probably best not to accidentally create a baby with someone you met at the bus station.
1 | Your partner has an STD
I totally get it. I mean, these days, you can’t be too careful, since now you can catch an STD just by going to the Olympics. You can catch an STD by going to Tijuana and NOT having sex with a prostitute. Full body condoms for all. (Miniature American flags for others.)