Statistical proof that the day after major holidays we all flock to our computers. And also on Chinese New Year, for some reason.
On Tuesday, I published my list of the 11 Days When Americans Watch the Least Pornography, thanks to statistics provided by the upstanding pornographers at Pornhub.com. And today, we’ll look at the other side.
Much like the other list, there are seemingly logical explanations all of the days that charted. Well… 10 of the 11 days. There’s one I have no explanation for.
Here are the 11 days in 2012 when Americans watched the most online porn. Enjoy. And since today is NOT one of the days, you’ll be able to enjoy the full list before forces draw you to the dark side of the Internet.
11 | November 4th (The 25-hour end of Daylight Savings)
On a purely statistical basis this makes perfect sense. Not only is it the longest day of the year — but the extra hour is perfect for porno, since it comes in the middle of the night when only the degenerates are still up. (2012 was also the year that a guy managed to get two DUIs at the exact same time thanks to the time change. See. That extra hour is an hour for degenerates.)
10 | September 4th (Day after Labor Day)
There are a lot of “day after _____” on this list and they all fall under the same basic principle. You’re done traveling, you’re done with family events, you’ve slogged through a day of work, and finally, finally you have time to get back to your precious pornography.
9 | January 23rd (Chinese New Year)
As I mentioned in the preamble, there was one day on the list that didn’t have a clear, logical explanation. This is it. We don’t get a day off of work for Chinese New Year. I’d venture to say most Americans aren’t even aware of it. My grasping-at-straws explanation is that 2012 brought in the Year of the Dragon, which is the third-most phallic Chinese zodiac sign. (Behind the snake and cock. And miles ahead of the sheep.) But did a critical mass of Americans really go, “It’s the Year of the Dragon? I really ought to go masturbate”? I’m at a loss.
8 | September 17th (Rosh Hashanah)
As a Jew I’m 100 percent happy about this. When I was growing up and the public schools would give us the day off for Rosh Hashanah, us Jewish kids would always bemoan that we would spend the day in synagogue while the non-Jewish kids just got a free day off. Now, as an adult, I love that people still get this as a day off. Because it’s a nice reminder to them that the Jews are a wonderful asset and increase their quality of life. If you want to spend the second-holiest day of the Jewish calendar watching pornography, go for it. You’re welcome! Sincerely, Jews.
7 | July 5th (Day after Independence Day)
July 4th itself was on the list of the days when people watch the least porn. Something something fireworks exploding.
6 | October 8th (Columbus Day)
Not everyone gets Columbus Day off. I haven’t had Columbus Day as a day off since high school. In college and every job in adult life, I’ve worked it. And I think that’s possibly why it’s so high on this list. Some people are home, and they’re watching Internet porn. Other people are at offices where a decent number of people are on vacation, leading to those rare-but-valuable office porn opportunities.
5 | February 20th (President’s Day)
Nothing gets the ladies in a sexy mood like paying respect to such innuendo presidents as Warren Harding, Woodrow Wilson, George Bush, George Bush, Chester A. Arthur, and, of course, James K. Polk.
4 | November 12th (Veteran’s Day)
Veteran’s Day is a rare public holiday because people who get the day off rarely travel anywhere. Memorial Day, Thanksgiving, July 4th, Labor Day — all big travel days. Veteran’s Day? Just a day to sit at home and pay tribute to America’s heroes by indulging in one of the many freedoms their efforts have brought us.
3 | May 29th (Day after Memorial Day)
The Saturday and Sunday of Memorial Day weekend made the list of the 11 days we watch the least porn. The Tuesday after Memorial Day is here, near the top of the list of days we watch the most. Memorial Day itself? Didn’t chart on either list. I have the top 12 for both (on this site, however, we do not count to 12) and it didn’t make it to that spot either. What does it all mean??!? It either means absolutely nothing… or that I’m running out of pseudo-clever ways to talk about how people love watching adult videos the day after major holidays.
(For reference, the day when we watch the 12th least pornography is the Saturday before Easter. The day when we watch the 12th most is the Monday after the Super Bowl.)
2 | November 26th (Monday after Thanksgiving weekend)
Totally logical. Thanksgiving itself was number two on the least porn list, so the pendulum swing lands the following Monday on this list. I don’t really believe that Cyber Monday is a thing — I’m fairly sure it’s the modern equivalent of a Hallmark holiday — but if it was a real thing, I’m sure it would take credit for luring people to their computers on this day. “Buy your mother a scarf quickly, there’s porn to be watched.”
1 | December 27th (Two days after Christmas)
Love this coming in first. Just imagine how many people finally got enough distance from their family to see how pornography streams on their new iPad, smartphone or laptop.
Also, for what it’s worth, this is the second day of Kwanzaa, the day devoted to self-determination. I couldn’t make that up if I tried.