It’s totally worth failing a test if you’re going to win the Internet.
I’ve been meaning to do a follow-up to my list of 11 Great Moments In Math and Science Class History for at least a year. But, ya know, I got distracted by things. Like Fringe. And pie.
So here we go. I dug deep around the Internet for 11 great actual test answers. Or, at least, I hope they’re actual test answers. I tried hard to find ones that seemed legit. I hold out hope that adults don’t forge fake test answers for the sake of Internet comedy even though deep down I know better.
1 | How do you change centimeters to meters?
Turning a question on a math test into English wordplay is some kind of strong left-brain/right-brain jiu-jitsu. If the teacher had written “To convert centimeters to meters you ____” do you think he would’ve written “Baptise them”?
2 | Students With Low Self-Esteem
I wish I could see the whole question (and then spend two hours trying to re-learn the chemistry I learned 17 years ago) to see if this kid got the answer right — or his honest-but-lugubrious hedge right. Either way, his answers are mutually exclusive enough that he should get points for at least one of these two questions, right?
3 | Miranda’s microscope
How can the teacher not give a point for this? The question only asks the student to “suggest one reason” and that IS one possible reason. Is that really less viable than “She needs to change the magnification” or “The lens cap is on.”
4 | Civil disobedience
It’s the standardized test equivalent of abjectly loitering under a “No Loitering” sign or touching the Cornballer.
5 | Spanish commands for your sister
I don’t have a sister either. But if I did, I’m thinking she’d probably react pretty acridly to me vehemently barking things like “open the refrigerator” at her in English or Spanish. (That’s the only one I can translate through context clues, by the way. My other guesses include “paint me with pastels,” “wash the calendar with soap,” and “prepare to sing California Dreamin’.”)
6 | Take a risk
How happy was this teacher? Got to give a student full credit for a tacitly brilliant answer AND got out of having to read yet another cumbersome, droning essay about trying out for the soccer team or giving a speech.
7 | Abraham Lincoln
Did you know the play Lincoln was watching when he was shot was called Our American Cousin? And the line when Lincoln was shot was “Don’t know the manners of good society, eh? Well I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, old gal, you sockdologizing old man-trap.” Those were the last words Lincoln heard. This kid is on to something.
8 | Sean Connery
I don’t know that this kid was insidiously answering in an inappropriate way. Is it possible this is supposed to say “My pen is in a goat” — which is one of several viable alternative answers, by the way — and this is a kerning issue?
9 | Make Dark Marks
This doesn’t necessarily earn points on a standardized test but was worth 50 points to Slytherin.
10 | I call the big one Bitey
If I were a teacher, I handle this the same way. The “not much” is just lazy and deserves no points but “Chompy” IS more correct than the actual correct answer.
11 | Fresh Prince of Debonair
It kills me because if he’d just slightly tweaked the lyric and replaced “in” with “who are” it would’ve been correct. It’s clear this kid isn’t vacuous, he was just lackadaisical in going the extra mile.
Squalid.