Remarkably unromantic lines from Lil Wayne, LL Cool J, Notorious B.I.G., R. Kelly and more.
I got the idea for this post when, gloriously, the Jagged Edge song Let’s Get Married randomly played on my iPod. (To be explained during its entry in this list.)
I went through pretty much all of the hip-hop and R&B in my collection to find parts of songs that are supposed to be sweet, romantic, charming, whatever… but epically fail.
There are no lines about fat asses on my list, because, even though I’d never compliment someone that way, many people do. No, all of these lines find other ways to be ridiculously un-romantic.
1 | Jagged Edge in Let’s Get Married
Meet me at the alter in your white dress,
We ain’t gettin’ no younger girl,
So we might as well do it.
Been feelin’ you all the while, girl,
I must confess.
Girl let’s just get married,
I just wanna get married.
There are many, many romantic things you can say during a marriage proposal. “We ain’t getting no younger girl, so we might as well do it” is not one of them. In fact, it’s a perfect antonym to romance.
I’m pretty sure no woman’s dream proposal has included the guy reminding her that her ovaries are drying up, she’s been in the relationship too long to get started over on finding a guy, and I’m not super excited to marry you but we “might as well” get this shit over with.
2 | John Legend in Number One
Now you can’t say, I don’t love you,
Just because I cheat on you.
‘Cause you can’t see, all I do,
To keep you from knowin’ the things I do.
Like erase my phone, and keep it out of town,
I keep it strapped up when I sleep around.
Well I shoulda known one day you’d find out,
But you can’t go and leave me now.
This is a fascinating mentality. John Legend romantically explains that his nonstop cheating on his girl isn’t a problem because (1) he works super duper hard to keep her from knowing (2) he vigilantly clears his phone of messages from other women (3) he only cheats in other cities and (4) he always wears a condom when he cheats.
You know what’d be an even better way to show her you love her? NOT CHEATING ON HER.
3 | Lil Wayne’s rap in Jay Sean’s Down
Don’t you ever leave the side of me,
And definitely, not probably,
And honestly, I’m down like the economy.
Talking about how shitty the economy is isn’t hot. And while it paints a vivid picture of just how much Lil Wayne is down for this girl… he’s so down for her he’s killin’ off investment banks… sexy and the recession are in non-overlapping circles in the Venn diagram of sexiness.
4 | Ne-Yo’s verse in Keri Hilson’s Knock You Down
I used to be commander and chief
of my pimp ship, flying high,
‘Til I met this pretty little missile,
Shot me out the sky.
Hate to know I’m crashin’,
Don’t know how it happened,
But I know it feels so damn good.
Said if I could go back and make it happen faster,
Don’t you know I would baby if I could.
Miss Independent to the fullest,
The load never too much,
She helpin’ me pull it.
She shot the bullet,
That ended that life.
I swear to you the pimp in me just died tonight, girl.
Singing about how you used to be such a stud and never thought you’d become madly in love with a woman isn’t new. Some people have done it very well (Jaheim in Never is the best example). Ne-Yo does it miserably here.
There are only so many times you can draw a comparison between a relationship and being murdered before you cross the line from romantic to not-so-subtly miserable. I think Ne-Yo hasn’t quite finished his single phase yet. Man oh man oh man.
5 | Sean Kingston in Take You There
We can go to the tropics,
Sip pina coladas,
Shorty I could take you there.
Or we can go to the slums,
Where killers get hung,
Shorty I could take you there.
Nope. A romantic trip to Jamaica does not include visiting the slums and/or watching a public execution. It’s about taking an air conditioned town car past all of the poverty, shaking your head and saying “Man, that’s terrible” and then forgetting about it by the time you get to the beach.
6 | Estelle in American Boy
He said “Hey sista, it’s really really nice to meet ya.”
I just met this 5-foot-7 guy who’s just my type.
Like the way he’s speakin’,
His confidence is peakin’,
Don’t like his baggy jeans but I’ma like what’s underneath ’em.
Don’t let the last line fool you, she’s not playing hard to get and being seductively coy… she’s being bitchy. I’m somewhere between 5’7 and 5’8. And I assure you that no woman has ever, EVER mentioned my height in a complimentary way.
7 | LL Cool J in Doin’ It
I’m in the mix now,
Searchin’ for the right spot to hit now, get down.
(Damn my lover dig down!)
You use a rubber? (Damn right!)
You are my lover? (All night!)
The putty good to you?
Word to motha. (Man, tight!)
The only thing left to do is climax,
Let’s make it last.
(Word, we ain’t goin’ out like that.)
All this time you been tellin’ me that you was a don.
I tried to warn you girl,
You wouldn’t listen,
Now let’s get it on.
I always found it amazing that LL Cool J was willing to rap about premature ejaculation. It’s so brave and unexpected. Not romantic, mind you… but brave.
8 | Fabolous in Baby Don’t Go
Every other day I’m givin’ the love away,
That’s what your friends’ sister, little brother say.
If I’ma do somethin’,
It’s the undercover way.
When them hatin’-ass watchdogs look the other way.
Like the aforementioned John Legend song, this Fabolous verse is mind boggling in its twisted logic. He’s mad at his girlfriend for listening to her friends (and their siblings apparently?) for telling her that he’s cheating. The reason he’s mad? Not because he’s being faithful — he’s mad because he knows they’re making it up, because he’s extra careful to cheat secretly.
9 | Common in Break My Heart
I said I’m married to this rap shit,
Lookin’ for a mistress,
You can be by my side,
Like Flavor and Deelishis.
Long as you ain’t scared,
Of the kitchen and the dishes.
It’s one thing to try to woo a woman by misogynistically mentioning that you’re really into her for her cooking and cleaning. But on top of that, comparing the future relationship to the final joke-of-a-couple from Flavor of Love 2? Swing and a big miss.
10 | R. Kelly in U Remind Me
You remind me of my Jeep,
I wanna ride it.
Somethin’ like my sounds,
I wanna pump it.
Girl you look just like my cars,
I wanna wax it.
And somethin’ like my bank account,
I wanna spend it, baby.
Romantically comparing your girlfriend to a Jeep is like Homer telling Bart, “A woman’s a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds, they… make ice.”
11 | Notorious B.I.G. in Me and My Bitch
When I met you, I admit,
My first thoughts was to trick.
You look so good,
I suck on your daddy’s dick.
I never felt that way in my life,
It didn’t take long before I made you my wife.
There are no words.