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written by Sam Greenspan

In What’s Your Fantasy, Ludacris describes about two dozen places to have sex. These 11 just wouldn’t fly.

Yesterday, the classic Ludacris song What’s Your Fantasy? came on my iTunes and, for some reason, the lyrics sunk in more than usual.

Over the course of the song, I counted a list of about two dozen of his different sexual fantasies (along with some potential fantasies that the lady he’s courting might have), give or take a few. Some of them are simple and fairly common — rose petals on silk sheets, sauna, back row at the movies and, of course, in the backseat, windows up.

Some of the other ones seem highly improbable though. Too risky, too public, too illegal, too dangerous — all in all, just too damn unrealistic. I’ve pulled out the 11 fantasies he lists that seem much, much too implausible to actually pull off. Here they are, in order from kinda unrealistic to insanely unrealistic.

1 | “In the public bathroom”

I just don’t see anyone actually having the fantasy of sex in a public bathroom. Because, as you well know, public bathrooms are, unilaterally, disgusting. I just don’t know how you can get in the mood when you’re both in a stall with a dirt-streaked metal door, only a shard of toilet paper on the roll, other people’s week-old mess festering in the toilet, swastikas carved into the walls, a small pool of oddly colored liquid trickling toward your feet, stray urine droplets on the toilet (men’s room only), and the smell. Oh the smell. It’s just so… ripe in there.

I gauge good spots for sex like this: If I think I might catch lupus merely by taking in a deep breath, it’s just not going to work.

2 | “In the garden all in the dirt”

The vagina is a delicate ecosystem that can be thrown all akimbo by even the tiniest change. So having sex in a garden, with dirt getting everywhere… not to mention manure-infused dirt and/or fertilizer too… seems like a guaranteed vaginal infection.

It’s a big risk to have sex with a lady “all in the dirt” of a garden. To convince her to do it, you’d have to give her some serious carats. (The puns are back! The puns are back!)

3 | “What about up in the candy sto’? That chocolate, chocolate, make it melt”

Well this just has “major health code violation” written all over it. Your store’s grade will drop from an “A” to a “C” faster than you can say “move bitch, get out the way.”

What self-respecting candy sto’ owner is going to let two people have dirty sex on top of his chocolate? Every single piece of his inventory will be tarnished and will have to be replaced!

I mean… it’s like Ludacris doesn’t even remember what happened when Augustus Gloop fell in the chocolate river.

4 | “We can do it in the White House”

He wrote this line years before Obama was president… which now gives him an outside shot at getting an invitation to stay at the White House. We all know, if asked, Obama would say he likes Ludacris, because that’s what Obama thinks he’s supposed to say.

During the Bush years, there was no way Ludacris was getting an invitation to stay at the White House… and this would’ve moved way down the list toward implausibility. But now that my president is black and my Lambo is blue, this line has become more plausible.

5 | “Horseback and I’ll get my reins”

Logistically speaking, I think it’d be too dangerous and too cumbersome to do it on horseback. That’s like trying to have sex on a narrow balance beam, but that balance beam has the potential to buck, run or jump at any moment.

If my few horseback riding misadventures have taught me anything, the balance beam will also be dropping a constant supply of ill-smelling feces and will not stick to walking the proper path if you’re not constantly guiding and coaxing it. Doesn’t seem like a very safe, practical or feasible spot for sex.

6 | “In the library on top of books, but you can’t be too loud”

OK. Here’s why I’m not on board with this one.

You know how in movies and on TV, you see a man and a woman on a date, not getting along, then one of them says one clever thing, they make loaded eye contact, and the movie cuts right into them busting through a front door, making out, fighting to rip each others’ clothes off. There’s a scene in Along Came Polly that’s a perfect example.

Well… that’s a fun thought in theory, but it’s completely improbable. That omits all of the unsexy time between the eye contact and the sex. Like paying the check at a restaurant or saying goodbyes at a party… waiting for the valet or a cab… the drive home, including agonizingly slow red lights… finding the keys to get into the building… oooh, really quick, let me see if I got any mail… and THEN bursting in the door, throbbing with passion.

That’s an ultra-long explanation of why I don’t think Luda’s library fantasy is plausible… and it’s only the first half of this piece of mind vomit.

So Luda’s out with a woman and says, “Wanna go do it in the library?” She says, “OK, I mean, I did love your performance in Fred Claus.” So they start laughing, then hop in the car, then get to the library, then walk to a secluded back area… and just as she’s ready to go, he says, “Wait, we should do it on top of books.”

She’s on board because it’s h-h-h-his fan-ta-SEE and she wants him to be happy, so they start grabbing books off shelves, stacking them up, trying to make the stack relatively even so it won’t be too uncomfortable on her (or his) back. “I need a big book to balance out this side, go grab some Dostoevsky.” “Should we put a book with a slick jacket around the genital area… ya know, so we don’t water stain a book cover?” “I don’t feel right having sex on top of The Giving Tree.”

Now it’s 15 minutes later, they’ve made a huge ruckus, drawn way too much suspicion, and any spur-of-the-moment horniness has long since evaporated (literally and figuratively).

And THAT’S why I don’t think it’s plausible to have sex in a library on top of books. Sincerely, Sam Greenspan.

7 | “We can do it in the pouring rain, running the train”

In the pouring rain, that’s logical… it’s a simple enough fantasy that any giving sex partner will happily agree to indulge it.

But talking her into pulling a train during that thunderstorm? Now you’re really asking for too much. I envision the conversation as such:

“Hey, baby, can we have sex out there when it’s pouring? I want to be like John Cusack.”

“Oh, of course, if that’s what you want, baby.”

“Aww, you’re the greatest. Thank you!”

“No problem!”

“Oh… and when we’re done, will you stand out in the rain for another two hours and let nine of my friends bang you too?”

[Dial tone]

And… scene.

8 | “Up on the roof (roof), tell your boyfriend not to be mad at me”

If you’re going to have sex with a girl who’s got a boyfriend, you shouldn’t do it on the roof. Where’s your common sense? On the roof, you have absolutely no escape route if the boyfriend busts in and catches you. He’s gonna murder you, or you’re gonna have to jump. There’s no other alternative.

If you’re going to have sex with a girl who’s got a boyfriend, do it in someplace where you can easily escape, like in a subway station or a hall of mirrors.

9 | “We can do it on stage of the Ludacris concert, ’cause you know it got sold out”

I once saw a video of 2 Live Crew having sex with a bunch of groupies on stage during a concert, so this isn’t totally implausible. But Ludacris isn’t 2 Live Crew. With his career trajectory he’s much more likely to be the next Will Smith than the next Luther Campbell.

Also, if his concert is sold out, the fans are probably going to want to hear him rap, not all just stand there watching him have sex. It might be cool at first but eventually, people are going to start shouting “Come on, dude, we know you have hoes in this area code. You have hoes in every area code! Have sex with them later and do Number One Spot!”

10 | “On the red carpet, dick could just roll out”

I just don’t see Ludacris getting out of a limo, walking onto a red carpet, rolling out his genitals and having sex right there in front of everyone. Though if he did, it would finally justify the thousands of hours of inane, boring, pointless and masturbatory red carpet shows that networks have insisted on airing over the past four decades.

11 | “In the Georgia Dome on the 50-yard line while the Dirty Birds kick for t’ree”

This stands as Ludacris’s most ambitious and unattainable sexual fantasy. To get on the field during a Falcons game, head to the 50-yard-line and have sex… all while the Falcons are trying to kick a field goal… well, it just doesn’t seem like there’s any way that could happen.

Even with Ludacris’s celebrity status (especially in Atlanta), I don’t think he makes it past two thrusts before security is grabbing him and Roddy White’s like “Damn, Luda was hittin’ that!” and Matt Ryan’s like “Who is that guy?” and Tony Gonzales is like “Gee whiz, fellas, can’t we get back to the game?” and Jason Elam is like “I love kicking for a dome team, but I didn’t know Ludacris was going to be having sex on the field during my kicks” and Michael Vick is watching on TV and saying “Man, that was cool. I wish I was still in Atlanta. Luda’s my dog.”