Michael Phelps burns 12,000 calories a day. Are there sports for fat people who eat 12,000 calories a day but don’t burn them off?
Over the past week, there’s been an infinite amount of Michael Phelps hype. And one of the bigger stories about him was how he eats 10,000 calories a day… and still can’t keep on weight. That’s because, with the way he works out and swims on a daily basis, his body needs that many calories.
Olympic Sports for Fat People to Participate and Win
It naturally got me thinking: What Olympic sports are most friendly to people who eat 12,000 calories a day… but don’t really burn off more than a couple hundred? And, thus, today’s list of the 11 Olympic sports that you could participate in… and potential win… if you were morbidly obese.
1 | Shot put
Shot putters are like NFL offensive linemen… there’s lots and lots of muscle there, but it’s underneath dozens of delicious rolls.
Unfortunately for America, even though we’ve redefined the notion of obesity worldwide… for some reasons, our Olympic shot putters have not correctly figured out how to translate Olive Garden, Taco Bell and Arby’s into gold medals.
This year, for the third straight Olympics, the U.S. got silver.
2 | Softball
Softball is the unofficial sport of rounder women with athletic skills and a super-competitive drive. Not to mention that, at this point, across the country, the median weight of people competing in softball leagues HAS to be in the 210 range.
It’s a sport that’s almost more synonymous with beer drinking than actual drinking games. Seriously. I’d guess that, on average, adult softball players get drunker during their games than flip cup or quarters players. And that’s a chubby-friendly sport right there.
3 | Weightlifting
The larger a person is, the stronger he becomes, especially if he trains himself. That’s why weightlifting is one of those sports for fat people to earn them gold.
Weightlifters probably need to eat the same 12,000 calories as Michael Phelps, just to have the energy to lift absurd amounts of weight… and to replenish and build their muscles post-workout. The only problem: After they eat the 12,000 calories, they don’t spend the day swimming.
If the ridiculously large weightlifters at my gym have taught me anything, mostly, they just spend time walking around, talking to other ridiculously large weightlifters, trying to hit on women, frequently using the words “lats”, “blast” and “bra”, and attaching and unattaching their leather belts over and over based on how much Zubaz it’s covering.
4 | Discus
I’ve been to the beach almost every weekend this summer. Plenty of large people throw Frisbees. And they can put some mustard on it too. (Figuratively. Not literally. They don’t eat the Frisbees, guys.) That can absolutely translate to discus.
Discus is a sport that requires a strong upper body and rotational power, which can be an advantage for larger athletes. Plus, there are weight divisions in discus, so even if you’re not the heaviest athlete out there, you can still compete against people closer to your size.
And who knows, with a little practice and training, that Frisbee toss could turn into a gold medal throw.
5 | Baseball
Over the course of history, the U.S. could’ve put together the best baseball “Hall of Famer” team in history… made up entirely of obese people. Babe Ruth, David Wells, John Kruk, Cecil Fielder and progeny, C.C. Sabathia, end-of-his-career Tony Gwynn, Mo Vaughn, and on and on.
Of course, in Olympic baseball, they probably still would’ve found a way to lose to Cuba.
But in a theoretical world where obesity isn’t an issue, this team would be a force to be reckoned with. And there’s no denying that fat people have the hand-eye coordination and strength necessary to excel at baseball.
Plus, they have a larger strike zone, making it easier to get on base.
6 | Hammer throw
Honestly, I’d forgotten about this event. And that’s a shame. The Olympics really need more “pick up something heavy and chuck it” events. Those are impressive. All this mincing around with rhythmic gymnastics and synchronized diving is misinforming the youth of what world-class athletic events should look like.
But I digress. Hammer throw is a great sport for fat people because it requires brute strength and the ability to spin in a circle while holding a heavy object. And let’s be real, fat people are often naturally stronger due to their larger size and weight.
So, put a hammer in their hands and let them show off their power. The spinning motion might even help them burn off a few calories.
7 | Javelin
Back in caveman times, I’d guess your spear throwing skills were directly connected to your chance at gaining weight: If you could nail a mastodon from 60 feet away, you were eating that night.
So I’m assuming evolution eventually connected weight gain and javelin tossing skill in our brains. Therefore, by that (somewhat specious and fraudulent) reasoning, I can only think that obese people couldn’t just compete in the javelin… they’d probably dominate it. It’s simple biology.
8 | Archery
Archery is one of the least popular sports in the world. Watching fat people participate in shooting an arrow with a bow could give it a popularity boost that it deserves.
As long as when you pull the string back, it doesn’t bang into your belly, I can’t see any reason why a 400-pound person couldn’t shoot arrows into a target.
And let’s be real, being overweight can actually be an advantage in archery. The added weight can help stabilize your stance, and the extra padding might make it more comfortable to rest the bow against your body.
So don’t underestimate the power of a skilled archer with a little extra cushion.
9 | Wrestling
I’ve never watched Olympic wrestling, so I can’t guarantee it’s the same as the WWE with their pro wrestling moves and rules. But they’ve been parading out chubby people for decades, from Andre the Giant to Kamala to Bastion Booger to Yokozuna and everyone in between.
Some huge guy with great technique (so not Kamala) could, in theory, go to the Olympics and wrestle other heavyweights.
Probably not from the U.S., since we have all these trials and crap to be on our Olympic team… but you’re telling me Eritrea wouldn’t take a flier on a 380-pound wrestler with sweet mat technique?
10 | Walking
Yes, I know, I know — Olympic walkers are in good shape, blah blah blah. But I’m just saying: An obese person COULD do it. And all that walking could lead to a lot of extra Weight Watcher points leniency that night.
11 | Equestrian
All you’d need to do is find a really fat horse.