The now-adult version of kids from Jerry Maguire, Roseanne, The Goonies, Nirvana’s Nevermind cover and more.
When I was 13, I was in a play at a local community theater. And for the next 15 years, they kept sending mail to my parents’ house advertising acting camps for middle school kids. I was frozen in their minds (and, to a more accurate extent, databases) as a 13-year-old.
This list is filled primarily with child stars from the ’80s and ’90s who may be frozen in our minds as kids… but now, they’re all grown up. There’s nothing like seeing adult versions of child stars to make you remember your own mortality, you know.
1 | Dylan and Blake Tuomy-Wilhoit of Full House
What reaction did you have when you saw their grown-up photos? Was it…
(a) Have mercy!
(b) Cut. It. Out.
(c) How rude!
(d) You’re in big trouble, mister!
(e) You got it, dude!
(f) Not the hair!
(g) Remember when Stephanie got that slutty friend? She could’ve grown up to be pretty hot. I wonder what happened to her?
For me it was (f), then (b), followed by (g).
2 | Jerry Supiran of Small Wonder
I’m sure growing up with a robot sister ages you — I mean, SO many things get taken literally. (“When I said go fly a kite I didn’t mean you should actually go outside and fly a kite!” and such.) But I’m not sure if even that can be used as an excuse for wearing a Budweiser cowboy hat and soul patch in mixed company.
3 | Jake Lloyd of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Think that the disastrous first Star Wars prequel ruined YOUR life?
4 | Jonathan Lipnicki of Jerry Maguire
Just because you shave off all your hair, it’s not going to change the fact that your human head weighs eight pounds. Just like if you cut off your nose, it doesn’t change the fact that bees and dogs can smell fear.
5 | Chris Smith and Chris Kelly of Kris Kross
Anyone else accidentally put something on backwards and then immediately break out into Jump? Anyone? Like two weeks ago I put on a shirt backwards then, completely alone in my room, started rapping “Some of ’em try to rhyme but they can’t rhyme like this, NO! Cause I’m the miggitty-miggitty-miggitty-miggitty-mack daddy.”
Then again, every time in the past decade I’ve heard a woman talk about Mr. Big from Sex and the City I’ve started singing, “I’m the one who wants to be with you. Deep inside I hope you feel it too. Waiting on a line of something something. Just to be the next to be with you.”
6 | The Hanson Brothers
It’s just weird that they’ve grown up and no longer look like (from left to right) Melissa Joan Hart, Topanga from Boy Meets World, and Jamie Lee Curtis.
7 | Elian Gonzalez
I still can’t believe we let him fly that trillion dollar bill down to Cuba.
8 | Michael Fishman of Roseanne
Now, at age 29, he’s been married for 11 years, he has two children, and was nominated for an Emmy for set design and art direction. In other words: He’s the worst child star ever.
9 | Spencer Elden of the Nirvana Nevermind cover
According to the story, his parents’ friend was in charge of taking a photo for Nirvana’s album cover and paid them and Spencer… $200. (Could’ve been $201 if he’d just caught that dollar, I suppose.)
10 | Jeff Cohen of The Goonies
So… does being the man behind the Truffle Shuffle help you or hurt you when you’re trying to pick up women? Especially since it appears like he dropped a bunch of the required weight? My guess: Not successful in high school where it wouldn’t be seen as cool… very successful in college where it would be seen as cool… successful about one out of three times in adult life.
11 | Daviegh Chase of The Ring
Wow. She turned out well!
(See, that’s a pun. Because as I recall, in The Ring, she haunted people’s phones and VCRs because she had been trapped in a well as a child. And there are multiple definitions of “well.” I employed two of them above. Straight homonym style, brotha.)
(I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the best jokes are the ones you have to explain.)