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written by Sam Greenspan

My best theory and worst theory on what could’ve inspired each of these mysteriously absurd signs.

Time to break out a good old-fashioned 11-item list to share these 11 signs that simply evoke more questions than answers. What possibly could’ve happened that warranted each of these signs being posted? We can only speculate.

And I sure do love speculatin’.

Here are the 11 photos and, as I did in my list of 11 Cakes With Strange and Mysterious Apologies, I propose my best and worst theories on what inspired the signs.

1 | Due to recent complaints, staff are required to wear underpants at all times

Best theory: Some store in a tourist-y area staffed by a bunch of 19-year-olds drew a crowd that wasn’t quite ready for a few nipples lightly visible through a shirt. (Or the tip of a dong peaking out of some short shorts. Yeah, probably that.)

Worst theory: So that’s why all of a sudden people are visiting their relatives at the nursing home.

2 | In light of recent events, NO OREOS will be allowed in the library

Best theory: The vending machine outside sells Oreos, which means crumbs — which means ants. It’s hard to pay for multiple exterminator visits on a library’s budget; every time they need the place sprayed, that’s one less copy of Insurgent.

Worst theory: Ever tried to make heads-or-tails of the Dewey Decimal system while people are pelting you with cookies? I would assume it’s terrifying.

3 | For Sale: Not Haunted

Best theory: The guy who’s the “funny one” at his Remax office in Canada tries (successfully) to drum up some viral interest in an otherwise kind of generic property.

Worst theory: An exorcist (who may’ve just been a polar bear in a cape, we’re not sure) performed his cleansing ritual on the place after multiple reports like, “The toonies in my pocket started shaking and I don’t think that’s pure Canadian maple syrup dripping down the walls.”

4 | Death metal music festival (with one odd exception?)

Best theory: Party Cannon is also a HARDCORE band, only they’re such nonconformists that they have a logo you can actually read.

Worst theory: One of the guys from Carnal Decay finally gave in to his mom repeatedly nagging him, “Let your sister’s band play at your little concert, Michael.”

5 | Hair dryers for hair on head only

Best theory: The ladies at this YWCA had a gross habit of drying their pubic hair with the hair dryers.

Worst theory: The ladies at this YWCA had an even grosser habit of drying their back hair with the hair dryers.

6 | Beware Jumping Gay Walrus

Best theory: A park employee figured the best way to get people to stop dangerously leaning on the railing was to get them laughing. (And maybe standing even further back to take photos of the sign.)

Worst theory: The Johnson family thanked all the passers-by for their help in lifting, then immediately got in their station wagon and returned to Sioux Falls in total silence.

7 | Justin, Will You Please Divorce Me? Loretta

Best theory: After a long separation, Loretta finally began a romantic relationship with her longtime forbidden crush: The guy who worked behind the counter at a Shell station. “You really need to fill up three times a week?” he asked her, finally giving her the opening to admit she kept coming in for another reason. Now that they’re together, he allowed her message board access as a frictionless means of contacting Justin — even though it meant for one afternoon, drivers wouldn’t know Camel cigarettes and Mountain Dew Code Red were in stock at reasonable prices.

Worst theory: J: “I know how we can get a book deal.” L: “Well, it’s way better than me making you 500 sandwiches.”

8 | Please open door with hands not feet. Thank you!

Best theory: Something here was lost in translation.

Worst theory: This restaurant primarily serves germophobic Chinese acrobats who refuse to touch door handles and just love showing off.

9 | Due to Moose: Auto-Door Temporarily Disabled

Best theory: Somewhere in southern Canada or the northern U.S., a moose kept wandering into a convenience store. It was funny the first time, destructive the second time and an actual problem the third time — prompting action.

Worst theory: The spirits at that house we talked about earlier were hungry after a long day of terrorizing house hunters, so they hypnotized a moose and told him to bring them back some Bugles STAT.

10 | Due to the Incident on November 14th, Cheez-Its Are No Longer Allowed in the Lunch Room!

Best theory: Cheez-Its, known for their addictive properties, caused a fight between two students both desperate for their fix.

Worst theory: The doctor gave Kevin a lecture about the fragility of the rectum and doesn’t think there will be any permanent damage. Kevin is $10 richer.

11 | The 9th Floor Has Temporarily Been Moved to the 15th Floor

Best theory: Really poor phrasing about how the services provided on the 9th floor are now happening six floors yp.

Worst theory: Damn you, Charlie Kaufman!