A look at 2013’s best criminal stories, including a man busted by his trail of Arby’s curly fries and a critical injury over a David Hasselhoff cardboard cutout.
This is my third-annual list of the 11 most ridiculous criminals of the year. In 2011, there was a fight over A.C. Slater, a guy with a Walmart fetish, and a guy who tried to use alchemy to turn his feces into gold. In 2012, we had a guy named Oates biting his neighbor named Hall, a man with no hands throwing boulders through a KFC’s windows, and a guy returning used enemas to CVS. That’s a high bar.
Here’s what the criminals of 2013 brought to the table…
1 | A woman tongue-kisses her son in jail to pass him drugs mouth-to-mouth
(2/6) In February, a 54-year-old woman from New York visited her 30-year-old son in jail, where he was locked up on a weapons charge. And maybe they should’ve tried to schedule a conjugal visit… because they started making out. Turns out it wasn’t Oedipal — well, I mean, it WAS Oedipal, but that wasn’t the primary motivation. The real motivation was to pass him painkillers mouth-to-mouth. They got caught and she wound up also getting locked up on a felony drug charge. (Source)
2 | Man Steals His Father’s Corpse to Try to Reanimate Him
(1/15) In January, a 93-year-old man from Detroit died. His 48-year-old son broke into the cemetery to steal his dad’s corpse because… he planned to bring his dad back to life through prayer. That’s weirdly sweet in its misguidedness — but also illegal. The guy was facing up to 10 years in prison for stealing a corpse, but took a plea and just got probation. (Source)
3 | Woman Chokes Out Boyfriend Because He Won’t Stop Singing Thrift Shop
(4/9) Believe it or not, there WAS a point this year where the Thrift Shop song wasn’t played out. So, in Longmont, Colorado, a 26-year-old guy tried to play it out in one night. He played the song (and sang along) 25 times in a row while his 23-year-old girlfriend kept asking him to stop. He wouldn’t, and she wound up turning violent and choking him out. She was arrested for harassment and domestic violence. (Source)
4 | Judge Named Burns Gives Man Named Bart Simpson a Slap on the Wrist
(3/21) This is pretty perfect. In Warwick, England, a 56-year-old named Bart Simpson was on trial for bringing a gun to an airport last year. The judge’s name was… Burns. (I couldn’t find his first name. So if you ask me, “OK, Mr. Burns, and what’s your first name?” I’ll respond, “I… don’t… know.”) Burns ended up going easy on Bart and gave him 140 hours of community service and a few fines. Possibly because of a Bobo-related bribe. (Source)
5 | Man Wasn’t Taking Upskirt Photos, He was Lighting a Woman’s Farts on Fire
(5/31) Perverts really might have the most creative minds of anyone. In Bristol, England, a 39-year-old man was caught on a bar’s security camera putting a camera up a woman’s skirt to take photos. He claimed he was actually putting a lighter up her skirt because “I was trying to light [her] fart” on fire. For some reason, the cops didn’t believe him and he was charged with committing an act outraging public decency. (Source)
6 | Woman Smothers and Kills Boyfriend With Her Massive Breasts
(1/14) In January, at a trailer park in Everett, Washington, a 51-year-old woman — who checks in at 5-foot-6, 192 pounds — got into a fight with her boyfriend — who only comes in around 5-foot-7, 175 pounds. The fight got physical, and the woman was able to overpower her lighter boyfriend — then smother him with her giant breasts. (Her bra size was not reported. The media is so very tasteful.) By the time the cops got there and pulled her off, it was too late. The boyfriend died at the hospital; the woman was charged with manslaughter. (Source)
7 | Store Clerk in Critical Condition After Trying to Stop Man From Stealing Life-Size Cardboard David Hasselhoff
(8/20) There’s a convenience store chain in the Northeast called Cumberland Farms, and they signed David Hasselhoff to a deal where he’d endorse their iced coffee. They made life-sized cardboard cutouts of Hasselhoff holding the coffee and put them in all of their stores. That quickly became problematic when, naturally, people started rapidly stealing the cutouts.
Annoying theft turned into critical injury in August. A 19-year-old stole the Hasselhoff cutout from a Cumberland Farms in Shelton, Connecticut and the clerk chased after him. The thief tried to speed away in his SUV, but he hit the clerk and dragged him. The clerk was hospitalized in critical condition. Eventually the police tracked down the thief and he was charged with second-degree assault and second-degree reckless endangerment. (Source)
8 | Man Arrested After Threesome With His Girlfriend and Her Cousin Goes Bad
(9/20) In September, a 25-year-old man from South Carolina was sleeping in bed with his 31-year-old girlfriend and her female cousin. They decided to have group sex which, of course, was a horrible idea. Anyway, after the guy was done, his girlfriend and her cousin kept their incestuous lesbian activities going. The guy got upset and things got physical; he was arrested and charged with assault and domestic violence. (Source)
9 | Thief Steals 2000 Honda Civic, Leaves 1997 Honda Civic in Its Place
(9/23) I love this one for some reason. In Salt Lake City, a woman drove her 2000 Honda Civic to a Target. When she came outside, it was gone… and a 1997 Honda Civic was in the parking spot. Some car thieves had apparently stolen the ’97, gone to the Target, spotted the ’00, decided to upgrade, and left the ’97 behind in the same spot. The police say it’s not rare for car thieves to ditch one stolen car for another, but it’s very rare for the same model to be left in the same spot.
There’s something glorious to me about the idea of someone walking out of a store to find their car mysteriously aging by three years. Do you pause and wonder if maybe you were trapped in a time vortex in the Target? Do you think you’ve gone crazy? These are the questions I need answered. I couldn’t find a follow-up, so it seems that the cops never found the thieves — or answered any of my questions. (Source)
10 | Cops Catch Man Who Groped Arby’s Worker by Following Trail of Curly Fries
(10/25) In October, a 36-year-old man went through a drive-thru at an Arby’s in Pennsylvania and groped a 19-year-old employee’s breasts as she handed him his food. He sped off and she called the cops with a description of his car; the cops found it at a Travelodge about a mile away. But whose car was it? Fortunately, the mighty crime-fighting power of Arby’s came into play, and they spotted a trail of curly fries leading from the car straight to the door of a motel room. The man was arrested and charged with indecent assault. (Source)
11 | Woman Has to Turn In Her Dog to be Put Down For Biting a Kid; She Turns in Imposter
(11/12) I’d like to think I’m honest and ethical — but I might do the same thing this woman did if I were facing the same situation.
A 40-year-old woman in Longview, Washington owned a pit bull who bit a five-year-old kid. She said the kids provoked the dog, but a judge ordered her to turn in the dog to have her put down. When it came time for the woman to turn over the dog… she turned in an imposter. She even forged papers for it.
It took a while before everyone got wise to what happened, but eventually the woman was arrested. In September, she pleaded guilty to dangerous dog attack and forgery and got 90 days in jail. But, really, she won — because her pit bull is still alive. Somewhere. She doesn’t know where. She told the judge her son hid the dog and, “I honestly don’t want to know where she is.” (Source)