A robber is beaten up by the Thunder From Down Under strippers, a man robs a Subway over dissatisfaction with the Jared diet, a woman cyberbullies herself and so much more.
It’s the fourth year of the 11 Points wrap-up of the most ridiculous criminals of the year — and this year, much like any mildly-popular NBC sitcom, I’m supersizing, baby!
There were so many good criminal stories this year, I couldn’t just stop at 11 — I had to crank this thing to 22. So this is the first edition of the most ridiculous criminals of the year; part two will be out on Wednesday.
Here are 11 (of the 22) most captivating, absurd, and often, yes, idiotic criminals of 2014…
1 | A Guy Tries to Rob the “Thunder From Down Under” Show in Las Vegas, Winds Up Getting a Beatdown From the Male Strippers
(3/19) Over the past 13 years, I’ve spent far too much time in/passing through the Excalibur Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. And, when there, it’s all but impossible to miss the ads for their long-running male strip show, the Thunder From Down Under. (I’ve never attended the show. Although, frankly, that would be a better use of my time at Excalibur than either gambling at low-level tables, trying to find the exit out to the 104-degree Las Vegas strip or getting a refresher that you get what you pay for in hotel rooms.)
The guys from the Thunder From Down Under finally got to put their oily glamour muscles to real use this year. In March, 24-year-old Joey Kadmiri (who was apparently on meth) somehow got backstage at the Thunder From Down Under show and stole stuff out of the strippers’ lockers while they were on stage.
They caught him in the act, and he pulled a gun. The brave strippers called his bluff and tackled him. The gun went off, one of the strippers caught a bullet to the face on a ricochet (he’s ok) — and Joey was arrested. Last I could find, a judge declared a mistrial in July after some jurors admitted they’d seen a news report about the case. (Source)
2 | Man Gives His Stepfather an Atomic Wedgie — and Kills Him
(1/9) The atomic wedgie, of course, is when you give someone a wedgie to powerful and thorough that the waistband of the recipient’s underwear makes it all the way over his head. In January, 33-year-old Brad Davis of McLoud, Oklahoma was arrested after he gave his 58-year-old stepdad an atomic wedgie — and killed him.
When the cops got to the scene, the underwear was still in the atomic wedgie position. The coroner found the stepdad died from asphyxiation because the wedgie was so atomic that the waistband of his underwear wound up around his neck. Brad claimed that his stepdad attacked him, and it was the first-ever self-defense atomic wedgie. (Source)
3 | A Guy Robs Four Subways Because He’s Upset He Didn’t Lose Weight on the Jared Diet
(10/31) Look, in everyone’s less healthy moments, the thought of trying the Jared diet at Subway. And if you succeed, from what the ads have implied, your trophy for victory is a giant pair of pants.
18-year-old Zachary Torrance of Hueytown, Alabama wanted to try the Jared diet in October — but he didn’t lose any weight. So, out of anger, he robbed four local Subways at gunpoint to get revenge. When the cops caught him, they said, quote, “He said he had tried the Jared diet and it hadn’t worked for him so he wanted his money back.”
From his mugshot, he doesn’t look particularly obese, but I guess everyone has their own threshold for when it’s time to try to drop a few pounds. (Source)
4 | A Guy Arrested for Bestiality Porn Possession Is Cleared When Police Realize the Tiger in the Video Was a Man in a Costume
(10/27) 51-year-old Andrew Holland of Wrexham, Wales was arrested a few years ago for possession of bestiality porn — after he was caught with a video that showed a woman having sex with a tiger. He said the video was sent to him by a friend, but the prosecutors went after him anyway.
Until they actually reviewed the video with the sound on — and realized it wasn’t bestiality. It was a guy in a tiger costume. And they realized that when, mid-coitus, the porn star in the tiger costume said, “That’s grrrrrrrrrrreat!”
Andrew had the charges dropped — but lost his job, was targeted by animal rights activists and had a heart attack from the stress. He’s now leading a charge against overly aggressive Welsh obscenity laws. (Source)
5 | A Woman Gets Prison Time For Cyberbullying… Herself
(2/5) This feels like cyberbullying’s jump-the-shark moment. In February, 24-year-old Michelle Chapman of Cornwall, England was sentenced to prison time for cyberbullying herself.
Michelle had spent the past three years setting up elaborate fake Facebook profiles of her father, stepmother, and her stepmother’s family — and then used those accounts to send threatening and sexual messages to herself. The police took the bait initially and went after Michelle’s father, stepmother and stepmother’s family — the father and stepmother even wound up ending their marriage over it.
Then the police actually dug a tiny, tiny bit deeper and figured out what was really going on. Michelle pleaded guilty to actions intending to pervert the course of justice and got 20 months in prison. (Source)
6 | A Brother and Sister Can’t Resist Having Sex After Watching The Notebook
(8/27) This may be the ultimate anecdote on the romantic power of The Notebook. Back in August, 20-year-old Christopher Buckner of Guyton, Georgia and her brother, 25-year-old Timothy Savory of Jackson, Georgia watched The Notebook together — and were emotionally overpowered to the point where they decided to have incestuous sex.
They drove to a church parking lot — because where else would you go to have sex with your sibling? — and had sex three times. Someone saw their tractor-trailer and called the police about a potential prowler. Both Christopher and Timothy were arrested and charged with incest, aggravated sodomy and prowling.
Meanwhile, Ryan Gosling just gets to roam the world free. Is that justice? (Source)
7 | A Brother and Sister Caught Shoplifting Are Caught Making Out Through the Bars of Their Jail Cells
(2/28) But that’s not the only brother-sister romance of the year. In February, 26-year-old Cameron Beck and his half-sister (same mother), 24-year-old Charlene Ellet, were caught shoplifting at a Walmart in Porter, Texas. They also had meth paraphernalia on them. When they were arrested, Cameron asked the cops if they’d just arrest his sister, since he’d just been in jail. The cops refused.
And while it’s bad to sell out your sister, it’s even worse to make out with her — which is what happened when they were in jail. They were in adjoining holding cells and started kissing through the bars. When the cops saw them, they explained that they’d been living together in a motel ever since Cameron had gotten out of jail in November and were in a sexual relationship.
They were both charged with shoplifting, possession of a controlled substance and prohibited sexual conduct.
And somehow, we’re still not at the end of their story. Just a few days later, on March 3, Charlene was arrested again — for choking her husband. Yes, the entire time she was having the incestuous relationship with her brother, she also had a husband. She was charged with assault. (Source / Source)
8 | A Guy Steals Some Air Conditioners — and Accidentally Violates the Federal Clean Air Act
(6/25) Back in summer 2013, 35-year-old Martin Eldridge of Columbus stole 49 air conditioners. I assume he figured the worse case scenario was that he’d get caught and face theft charges — maybe do a year or two in county jail.
He guessed wrong. It turns out that every time Martin stole an air conditioner, it released Freon into the air — which violates the EPA’s Clean Air Act. So when he was caught, he was hit with state charges for theft — but also federal charges for violating the Clean Air Act.
In June, he was sentenced to 31 months in federal prison. Oops. (Source)
9 | A Burglar Is Scared Off When a Big Mouth Billy Bass Starts Singing
(2/4) Do people still put the Big Mouth Billy Bass animatronic fish on their walls? Apparently one fishing shop in Rochester, Minnesota still does — and this Big Mouth Billy Bass fights crime.
A burglar kicked open the door of Hooked on Fishing in Rochester in February — and as he walked through the store, he passed in front of the Big Mouth Billy Bass on the wall. Since it’s motion activated, it started singing its parody lyrics to Al Green’s Take Me to the River (“Take me to the river, drop me in the water” and so on — you get the point).
That spooked the burglar, he dropped everything he was planning to take and ran off. I couldn’t find any word on whether the cops eventually tracked him down. (Source)
10 | A Man Shoots His Son Over the Cable Bill, Then Kills Himself to Keep Fighting His Son in the Afterlife
(3/27) This is some next-level rage — rage that transcends space, time and our mortal existence.
84-year-old Pang Se Vang of Minneapolis got into a huge fight with his 36-year-old son, Chue Vang, in March because Chue didn’t want to pay for cable. Pang wound up shooting and killing Chue. Then, he stabbed himself to try to kill himself — not out of grief or guilt, but because he wanted to keep fighting his son in the afterlife.
A SWAT team took him down before he successfully killed himself; he was charged with second-degree murder and hospitalized with self-inflicted stab wounds to his stomach and neck. (Source)
11 | A Man Stabs His Friend During a Fight Over Which Is Better: Poetry or Prose?
(1/29) This has to be the worst result possible of a highbrow literary debate. In January, a 53-year-old man in Sverdlovsk, Russia and his 67-year-old friend got into a drunken debate (or, as Russia calls it, a debate) over which is superior: Poetry or prose. The 53-year-old was advocate for poetry; the 67-year-old was all about the prose.
The 53-year-old wound up stabbing and killing his friend. Poetic justice? Ahem. I’ll let myself out. (Source)