Even more ridiculous criminals from 2014, including a woman who weaponized her breast milk, a drunk guy who stabbed his interviewer during a job interview and a tornado that fought crime.
On Monday, I said that 2014 produced so many ridiculous criminals they couldn’t be contained into just one 11-item list. If you missed it, Monday’s Part One included a woman who got prison time for cyberbullying herself, a brother and sister who couldn’t resist having sex after watching The Notebook and a guy who shot his son then tried to stab himself to keep the fight going in the afterlife.
But that was just the beginning. Here are 11 (well, actually, a few more than 11) more of the most bizarre, absurd, crazy, stupid, and, in one case, bunglingly adorable criminals of the 2014.
1 | A Burglar Is Thwarted Because He Keeps Trying to Pull a Door Marked “Push.”
(1/15) This guy was a Far Side cartoon come to life, and I thank him for it. In January, this guy tried to break into a bar in Chicago called The Shambles. He successfully popped the lock, but couldn’t get in — because the door said “PUSH” and he kept pulling.
He pulled on the door for three minutes, never once tried pushing — and gave up. I couldn’t find word on whether the cops tracked him down but I hope the first place they checked was Midvale School For the Gifted. (Source)
2 | Man Admits He Only Had Sex With a Sheep Because He Was Rejected by a Cow
(1/28) 61-year-old Paul Lovell of London was on trial in January for having sex with a sheep back in September of 2013. And in court, he admitted why he’d had sex with the sheep — it’s because he was rejected by a cow.
Apparently he’d pulled his pants down and put his genitalia near the cow’s mouth — but when the cow just wouldn’t do anything with it, he decided to, “try his luck with some sheep.” When he said that in court, the jury started laughing.
In March, Paul wound up getting a suspended sentence where he can avoid going to jail — if he can just avoid cows and sheep the way the cow avoided him. (Source)
3 | A Woman Won’t Stop Singing “Ding Dong, the Witch Is Dead” When Her Mother-in-Law Dies — So Her Husband Locks Her in a Shed
(3/19) Back in March, 42-year-old Andrew Salmon of Cornwall, England lost his mother. He was upset; his wife of almost 20 years, Beverley, had the opposite reaction. She was apparently thrilled her mother-in-law was gone — and wouldn’t stop singing “Ding dong, the witch is dead” from Wizard of Oz.
Andrew reacted by hitting her, twisting her breasts (?) and locking her in a shed. He wound up pleading guilty to assault and avoided jail time, but got fines and counseling. (Source)
4 | A Woman Tries to Use Her Dead Sister’s Name For Free Health Care — While Wearing a Shirt Memorializing Her
(8/13) 26-year-old Diondre Jones of Slidell, Louisiana went to the hospital in August, and to avoid having to pay, she gave her dead sister Delores’s name and Social Security number to get in on her Medicaid. There was just one major problem. Diondre was wearing a shirt memorializing Delores at the time — with Delores’s name on it. The hospital caught on to what was happening, and Diondre was arrested for Medicare fraud. (Source)
5 | A Tornado Rips Through a Guy’s House — and Throws All the Stuff He Stole From the Neighbors Onto His Lawn
(7/29) A tornado tore through Kingsport, Tennessee in late July and did quite a bit of damage. It’s also quite possibly the first tornado that fought crime.
26-year-old Jerrod Christian’s house suffered quite a bit of damage in the tornado. When it tore through his house, it flung a bunch of stuff onto his lawn. And when the neighbors went over to check on him and survey the destruction, they realized the stuff on his lawn was all stuff he’d stolen from them.
Jerrod wasn’t home during the tornado because… he was already in jail on disorderly conduct charges. After the neighbors called the cops about their stolen stuff, Jerrod was charged with two burglaries and two thefts. (Source)
6 | A Guy Avoids Shoplifting Charges by Accidentally Knocking Himself Out Fleeing the Store
(10/9) This is the bumbling-est bumbling criminal I found this year. He’s so bumbling the media was kind enough not to release his name.
This guy was drunk at 9:30 A.M. on a Thursday in October — so you know he’s got it all together — and went to a grocery store in East Grinstead, England to steal himself more booze and keep that party going. He grabbed a bottle of wine, then tried to sprint out of the store with it.
But on his way out, he collided with some shelves — and knocked himself unconscious. Paramedics had to come revive him. And the best part? The police said, “Because the man had not left the store, no crime was committed.” Success via incompetence — that’s the dream right there. (Source)
7 | Drunk Job Applicant Gets Belligerent During Interview — and Stabs the Interviewer
(11/18) It’s impressive when showing up hammered drunk to a job interview is only the second biggest reason you don’t get hired. A man named Jose Lopez had a job interview in El Cajon, California last month — and showed up drunk. The owner still decided to interview him, but when the owner brought up the drunkenness, Jose became belligerent — and stabbed him. Then he took off.
But… he left his job application behind. Police went to the address he listed and arrested him for assault with a deadly weapon. (The owner was treated for a minor stab wound.) (Source)
8 | Four Different Criminals, Four Different Famous Names
I’ve got four criminals from 2014 who were, perhaps, driven to a life of crime due to the torment of sharing a name with someone famous…
33-year-old Christopher Reeves of Davis County, Utah was arrested for drunk driving and meth possession in March — and was wearing a Superman t-shirt at the time.
An 18-year-old girl named Peyton Manning from Nashville, Tennessee — who probably got the name when Peyton was in college in Tennessee — was arrested for felony cocaine possession in May.
The famous Justin Bieber wasn’t the only one who got arrested in 2014; 30-year-old Justin Bieber of Nashville, Tennessee was arrested for public intoxication in May.
9 | Walmart Accidentally Texts the Wrong Person — Which Makes Him Confess to a Murder
(9/22) This is the strangest one I’ve got, and it’s straight out of Edgar Allan Poe. (Or I Know What You Did Last Summer, shout out to all the Philistines!)
55-year-old Matthew Gibson lived in Bullhead City, Arizona, in 1997. One night he met a woman, they went back to his trailer for some anonymous sex, she got loud and crazy, he asked her to leave — and when she wouldn’t, he wound up killing her by hitting her with a flashlight. He dumped her body in the Colorado River and was never caught — although it clearly weighed on his conscience ever since.
Now he lives in North Carolina. In June, he got a few texts from Walmart about a prescription for a woman named Anita Townshed. Walmart had sent them to the wrong number, but Matthew’s telltale heart believed it was someone who knew what he had done — and the woman he killed must’ve been named Anita Townshed.
So he drove straight back to Arizona, went to a police station and confessed to the 17-year-old murder. He’ll do 10 years in prison for manslaughter. (Source)
10 | A Divorced Dad Can’t Get His Daughters Tickets to See a One Direction Concert — So He Calls in a Bomb Threat
(2/25) Everything about this one just makes me sad. 47-year-old William Klein of Northfield, New Jersey is a divorced dad with 10- and 14-year-old daughters. And in July of 2013, they wanted to see One Direction in concert in Hershey, Pennsylvania — and he desperately wanted to take them.
But he couldn’t get tickets. So the day before the concert, he went to a 7-Eleven and used a payphone outside to call in a bomb threat at the concert venue. His plan: If the concert was canceled, his daughters couldn’t be mad he didn’t take them.
The police traced the call to the payphone and used the 7-Eleven’s surveillance footage to figure out William placed it. He was arrested — and in February, he was sentenced to eight months in prison. The federal prosecutors said, “Now, his daughters are more upset with him.” (The concert wasn’t even canceled — a bomb squad swept the venue, declared it safe and guards did bag checks as people entered.) (Source)
11 | A Woman Robs a Store by Pulling Out Her Breast and Soaking the Cashiers in Breast Milk
(10/28) Somewhere out there, there’s a guy who will find this story supremely erotic.
Back in October, a woman went into a pharmacy in Hesse, Germany and bought a breast pump. When the cashier opened the register, the woman whipped out one of her breasts and started dousing the cashier in breast milk. While the cashier was — clearly — shocked, the woman grabbed money out of the register. Then she ran over to another register, doused another cashier in targeted breast milk, and stole more money.
She got away with about $127 — and it appears the police never caught the woman, who was only described as having a “robust figure.” (Source)