A survey ranked the months in order of how likely they are to kill a relationship. Spoiler alert?
If you’re in a crumbling relationship, there’s a decent chance you’ll be single within 10 days. At least you will be if you believe a British survey can apply to your love life. And the entire underlying premise of this entire list is that yes, you believe a British survey applies to your love life. So let’s hope you’re on board.
Today, I’ve got the results of a survey of 1,881 British people that asked the month of their most recent breakup. Here are the 11 months when you’re most likely to get dumped or get to dumping…
1 | January
The survey found 21 percent of breakups happen in January, by far more than any other month.
Probable reasons for breaking up this month: A bad Christmas or bad vacation was the last straw… it’s when people start fresh.
Less probable/cynical reasons for breaking up this month: Cold weather makes people mean… you didn’t want to go through the holidays alone and now that you’re through, on to a better scene… discounts on dating site pricing.
2 | December
Probable reasons: Don’t want to spend the holidays with someone… want to start the next year with a clean slate… lots of stuff to do to keep your mind off your breakup.
Less probable/cynical reasons: You never intended for the relationship to last this long and now you kinda have to introduce him or her to your family and you really don’t want that… don’t want to have to buy someone a Christmas present if you know the relationship is about to end… listening to All I Want For Christmas Is You together and realizing all you want for Christmas is someone else.
3 | March
Probable reasons: Fallout of a bad Valentine’s Day… drunken St. Patrick’s Day argument unearths real issues.
Less probable/cynical reasons: Ides of March strike again… lousy Smarch weather makes everything in life seem worse.
4 | November
Probable reason: College kids getting home for Thanksgiving break and dumping their high school boyfriend or girlfriend.
Less probable/cynical reasons: Last opportunity to dump someone without being considered a dick for doing it too close to the holidays… you go Black Friday shopping together which reveals a dark side you never saw before.
5 | February
The November through March stretch kills about two-thirds of relationships. As for February…
Probable reason: Forgetting or botching Valentine’s Day.
Cynical reason: Forgetting or botching Black History Month.
6 | April
Probable reason: Some metaphor about spring being a time for rebirth.
Cynical reasons: April’s the best time to reboot failed New Year’s resolutions… inevitable couple fight over whether or not Peeps taste good.
7 | September
Probable reasons: Fallout from an un-fun summer… some metaphor (that’s an even bigger stretch than April’s metaphor) about the leaves changing and you changing as well.
Cynical reason: Flippantly saying, “I wish I was a kid going back to school so I could get away from you.”
8 | June
Probable reasons: A relationship isn’t part of your big summer plans… a relationship is part of your big summer plans, it’s just a relationship with someone different.
Cynical reasons: So many mega blockbuster movies to see, who has time for a relationship?… found true love on Flag Day.
9 | July
Probable reasons: Re-appropriating Independence Day as a time to declare your independence… heat-induced stress.
Cynical reasons: Listening to LFO’s Summer Girls reminds you you’d prefer someone who wears Abercrombie & Fitch and shares your mutual dislike of Chinese food.
10 | October
Probable reasons: Anything Halloween related, from inability to find a couples costume to a disagreement over whether carving a vagina in a pumpkin is hilarious.
Cynical reasons: Anything Columbus Day related.
11 | May
Probable reason: None. It’s why so few people break up in May.
Cynical reason: Memorial Day mattress sales make you remember how much you miss sprawling out in bed.
And that leaves August, which got so few votes it didn’t even chart. As a kid with an August birthday I was always annoyed that August didn’t have a single holiday. We can’t even get dumpings. August is the month that time forgot.