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written by Sam Greenspan

Acronyms like BBW, DTF and MILF ain’t what they used to be.

I’m a huge fan of acronyms. (Obviously. You can tell by looking at me. Or talking to me for two minutes.) I’m also a huge fan of accidental, hidden dirty meanings. (Check out the many, many lists of that genre in this site’s archive.) So I’m actually surprised it took me this long to think of this list idea.

1 | BBW

Old meaning: Stock symbol for Build-A-Bear Workshop
New meaning: Big beautiful woman

I have to tell ya, making that image above involved one of the most brutal Google image searches I’ve ever done. It got so bad that I actually turned their “Safe Search” option back on. What can I say? I just don’t have the stomach to look at half-filled teddy bears.

2 | ATM

Old meaning: Automated teller machine
New meaning: Ass to mouth

You know how people always say “ATM machine”? At least with the newer meaning they don’t say “ATM mouth.” Cleaning up improper use of the English language, one deviant sexual act at a time.

3 | DSL

Old meaning: Digital subscriber line
New meaning: D*ck sucking lips

I wonder if the second kind of DSLs are also going to made totally obsolete by FIOS. (Fuller Injections, Optimum Suction? Frequent Implants, Oral Sex? Face Is Obviously Silicone?)

4 | UTI

Old meaning: Universal Technical Institute
New meaning: Urinary tract infection

When I’m watching late late night TV, UTI is always showing their commercials. They kind of make me want to learn how to become a boat mechanic. But more so, they make me want to drink a glass of cranberry juice.

5 | GFE

Old meaning: Good faith estimate
New meaning: Girlfriend experience

The first one is a document that shows you the hidden costs and fees associated with a loan. The second one is a prostitute who spends the whole night going out on the town with you (and then performs more traditional prostitution duties). Well, in both cases, at least you know you’re getting screwed at the end. (Rim shot!)

6 | DP

Old meaning: Director of photography
New meaning: Double penetration

I actually know a guy from college who works in the porn business now. He was the DP on a DP scene. That’s totally a line for the Christmas letter, huh?

7 | MILF

Old meaning: Moro Islamic Liberation Front
New meaning: Mother I’d like to f***

The former is a rebel paramilitary group in the Philippines. The latter is a term that’s part of the rich cornucopia of the West’s crumbling morality. One’s the hunter, one’s the hunted.

8 | NSA

Old meaning: National Security Agency
New meaning: No strings attached

People on Craigslist, Adult Friend Finder and sites of that ilk like to specify they’re looking for NSA relationships — no strings attached. It’s just sex. No getting all possessive afterward — no spying, no wiretapping, no hacking into e-mail.

9 | DTF

Old meaning: Digital Tape Format
New meaning: Down to f***

I didn’t include the digital tape format on last week’s list about Sony’s failures and successes because it didn’t really hit my radar. It did for this list, though. I also felt like DAT, SDSS and CLIE all have potential to one day be on this list.

10 | PDA

Old meaning: Personal Digital Assistant
New meaning: Public display of affection

I intentionally chose a photo of the sexy PDA that predates the (now outdated) PDA. If you introduce either kind of PDA when you’re out among people you’re going to get some strange looks. (I definitely find myself more grossed out when I see someone whip out a Trio or a Palm Pilot with a stylus than I am to see a couple of people kissing and groping each other out in the open.)

11 | MSM

Old meaning: Methylsulfonylmethane
New meaning: Men who have sex with men

Methylsulfonylmethane (or MSM) is a type of sulfur. The mainstream media (or MSM) has promoted its benefits, so some people take it as a supplement. Doctors, however, at places like the Morehouse School of Medicine (or MSM) dispute that it actually has any legitimate impact on your health. However, some clinical trials have shown that it’s good for knee and joint pain, which you’ll want to clear up before you dance to Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine (or MSM). You know what segment of the population loves Gloria Estefan? Ta-da.