The braintrust at Yahoo Answers asks, and answers, questions about Thanksgiving and Black Friday.
I haven’t done a post featuring real questions from Yahoo Answers since February of last year. That’s way too long.
So in honor of Thanksgiving, I’m diving back into the well for more. If you’re unfamiliar, Yahoo Answers is a section of Yahoo where only the smartest people on the Internet meet to ask and answer questions. The level of discourse is unlike anything you’ve ever seen.
Previous adventures there include 11 Stupid Questions From Yahoo Answers That Have Changed My Life, 11 Deep Questions About Judaism From the Geniuses at Yahoo Answers, 11 Deep Questions About Black People From the Geniuses at Yahoo Answers, 11 Torn ACL Questions From the Geniuses at Yahoo Answers and 11 Prank-Themed Posts From the Geniuses at Yahoo Answers.
Now, we’ve got 11 deep questions about Thanksgiving from the braintrust at Yahoo Answers. All questions are [sic] because touching the spelling and punctuation would just not be the right thing to do.
Fish, meet barrel.
1 | Why does THANKSGIVING Always fall on a Thursday?
and I am NOT talking about the history, and how press lincoln BLAH BLAH, and how the pilgrims have made it a tradition BLAH BLAHHHH, But why is it that the day never changes to a friday or, wens. Our Birthday’s, and Christmas always changes but thanksgiving seems to always fall on thursday. WHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY
So basically, this person knew the history (enough to know that Lincoln was involved in setting the holiday on a late November Thursday)… but couldn’t make the connection between the holiday always being on a Thursday and how somehow it magically falls on the same day of the week while her birthday and Christmas do not. God forbid she ever travels from the Eastern time zone to Pacific and figure out why it’s 9:00, Bones is on, but her friends from school were tweeting about it three hours ago.
2 | What’s the best way to have sex during Thanksgiving?
Should you eat before or after sex?
The absolute best answer? “Eat after. Most people don’t get laid on Thanksgiving because of all the coats on the bed.” I love that. While other people went for the more obvious “get stuffed” pun route, this guy hit on an oddly-specific yet universal Thanksgiving foible no one talks about.
3 | WTH? Why do only black people get to shop on the Friday after Thanksgiving?
I don’t know if this was a serious question or not. I’m guessing not. But it got people offering actual theories on an answer including “A small concession to pay for the ignorance and racism of the past”… “We’re still living in segregated times”… and “they deserve it.” Their White Guilt apparently now even extends into the realm of the imaginary.
(Although… at least it’s better than how this question would’ve been handled on YouTube. 45,000 people simultaneously posting the n-word, 45,000 more telling those people “your retarded,” and about 15 posting spam advertisements for cheap designer clothes.)
4 | Should Thanksgiving be moved to August so it won’t be hijacked by Christmas?
Thanksgiving is too close to Christmas. requiring working people to take a day of leave from work on Friday or travel back and forth in one day, which is impossible or very very difficult for most
Nothing says “traditional harvest festival” like the month of August. The person who asked this MUST not be in the workforce. Once you are, you realize Thanksgiving is the official start of the period of the year where business grinds to a virtual halt and everyone just yanks around until the new year. If that happened in August, it would kill this country’s productivity. We’re not a European country with government-mandated months off of work. Between Thanksgiving and New Year’s we show up to work and just don’t do very much.
5 | Does a turkey have a penis?
if so why you dont get it with the turkey for thanksgiving it says whole turkey?
Short answer: No, they don’t have penises.
How I’d respond on Yahoo Answers: u just blew the lid off an international conspiracy!!!!!!!! the ceo of Butterball, whose name is Kevin Butterball, is hording the turkey penises to rip off the american consumer. he probably dives in his giant collection of turkey penises like scrooge mcduck into gold coins. i want my turkey penis and i say we boycott until we get them. also lets boycott bank of america i heard they are charging new fees which they will probably use to buy black market turkey penises. the simpsons hasn’t been good since 1995.
6 | Last year my husband invited his ex over for Thanksgiving and embarrassed me when he fed her from his fork…?
Yes, this is the same ex that I allowed my husband to bring into our bedroom but, just like then, I did not anticipate that he would cater more to her then he did me … but he does, all the time.
…
I refuse to have her ruin our Thanksgiving this year! But how do I tell him that she can’t come without his getting mad?
This is one of those cases where one of this girl’s friends is going to sit her down for a conversation that begins, “Aww honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey, honey.” There’s nothing more guaranteed in life than comforting yet condescending string of “honeys.”
7 | Is it okay to spend the money my son made selling drugs on a nice Thanksgiving dinner for the family?
As long as you really, really, really scrub the pots from the meth lab before you make green bean casserole and don’t mind having everyone eat their soup using spoons with burn marks.
8 | Thanksgiving and the cousin
so i’m a sophomore in high school and my cousin is a freshman…. we hang out like ALL the time (we go to the same school) and tonight we went to her house for thanksgiving…. basically she told me she’d give me oral sex right there if I read her essay, but I was afraid if I didn’t revise it well she wouldn’t go all the way with me one day, so i said i’d let her know tonight. I know she’s totally into me, she told her friends who told me (and on halloween we were at a party/got drunk and she said some things….). Anyways, do you think i should go over the essay and risk only going as far as oral, or leave it be and then leave the door open to possibly having sex when i finish puberty?????
This is all twisted and wrong and everything… but the pure, honest look into his reasoning (“if I didn’t revise [the essay] well she wouldn’t go all the way with me”) is just fascinating. And based on his writing in this question, he did NOT have the fundamentals to parlay his proofreading skills into cousin sex.
(Which, as we’ve covered on this site before, cousin loving is legal-er than you’d think.)
9 | How do you make one of those Thanksgiving Turkey’s where you outline your hand and make it look like a turkey?
Im trying to do a school project to impress my mom.
I’m torn. On one hand, I hope it’s a child who wrote this because it would make me weepy if it was not. On the other hand, it almost makes me weepier to this about a child this young hanging out unsupervised on Yahoo Answers.
10 | So my brother decided to turn Gay. Can he still celebrate thanksgiving?
Much like he chose to be gay, he should also choose to not have the person who wrote this question be biologically related to him.
11 | Why do Jewish people celebrate Thanksgiving but not Christmas?
Are they trying to have it both ways?
I love how everything about the Jews comes back to being sneaky. Like we’re somehow trying to pull a fast one by celebrating one holiday but not the other. Really scares you to think about all the people out there who believe things like this.
(Note to self: Track down girl who wrote this question and ruin her credit rating.)