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written by Sam Greenspan

Another selection of absurd moments from the police blotters in small town newspapers.

About 11 months ago I did a list on 11 Great Moments in Police Blotter History. I felt like it was a good time to do a sequel.

So here are 11 more fantastic entries in the police blotters which, sadly, will go extinct with the newspapers. And don’t pretend like you’re going to read a police blotter on a Kindle or iPad. Police blotters are magical gems you completely forget about, then stumble upon when you’re visiting your parents and reading the paper while you kill time between meals.

1 | How else would you celebrate?

Once upon a time, I was losing some weight and my roommate Gabe asked me “How will you celebrate when you hit your goal?” And the only logical answer was: Giant ice cream sundae. So I totally get what was going through this guy’s mind.

2 | Yet another Big Band-related fatality

“Listen, pigs, I will NOT turn down the Chattanooga Choo-Choo! And if you want me to, you’re going to have to deal with me and my derringer, see!”

3 | A totally justifiable argument

I like that the police officers knew the Kmart’s hours. At least this wasn’t a Walmart argument, that could’ve ended up with one of them shooting the other one with a rifle. (A rifle that they purchased at Walmart. Quite possibly while listening to a censored-for-naughty-words album they also bought at Walmart.)

4 | So you got busted because of Marco Polo..

Fortunately for this guy he was able to escape when he closed his eyes so he couldn’t see the cop… which, naturally, prevented the cop from being able to see him.

5 | Spoiler alert

It’s fake. (And if it’s not, don’t fly it to communist Cuba.)

6 | Siphoning for amateurs

This feels like a joke from the movie Ready to Rumble. (Too obscure of a reference? I don’t know why I remember it, but at some point about 16 different characters in that movie ended up covered from head to toe in human feces. I think Slumdog Millionaire might’ve stolen the idea from them.)

7 | He really wasn’t kidding

Hopefully he’ll get out of jail in time to receive his toe in the mail.

8 | I’m guessing you haven’t celebrated any birthdays in a while either

And she probably also hasn’t seen stars twinkle twinkling in quite some time. Nor does she remember what Peter Piper was into picking. Was it lottery numbers? Locks? On nerds?

9 | Forget Arnold, tell me more about that cat

As much as I like that a cardboard cutout of Arnold Schwarzenegger (rightfully) scared the parents from this school… I’m disappointed that this clip got cut off before we could read the full story about the person who called the police because of their cat’s rectum. My cell phone was stolen a few days ago and I didn’t even bother to call the police because I figured it was pointless. So you’ve got to be pretty much the polar opposite of me to call the police regarding your cat’s rectum. Unless that got stolen.

10 | The risk of senior citizens face when pulling off bank heists

The worst part isn’t even getting caught for driving away from the scene so slowly — it’s that the back of a police car doesn’t have a beaded seat cushion. Cruel and unusual.

11 | Another bank robbery foiled by strategically-picked hinges

This one instantly reminded me of the Far Side cartoon I included with it. Although I’m guessing this would-be robber wouldn’t be on the top of the Midvale School For the Gifted’s acceptance list. Maybe Michigan State’s, though.