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written by Sam Greenspan

I enlist my girlfriend to rank the 11 members of the Ocean’s Eleven squad by attractiveness. Classic Pitt-Clooney-Damon showdown at the top… classic Carl Reiner-Elliott Gould battle at the bottom.

Back in September, I had my girlfriend Angie rank the 11 incarnations of Doctor Who by their handsomeness. I figured it was kind of a throwaway list, but, in one of the biggest surprises I’ve had on this site, it was a massive hit. I still get messages about it today.

I’ve dispatched her again for a list ranking a set of 11 dudes by handsomeness. This one is the crew from Ocean’s Eleven. And, like the Doctor Whos, I’ve added my comments on her comments. So here are the 11 members of the crew in Ocean’s Eleven ranked by handsomeness.

1 | Brad Pitt

Angie’s take: “This (along with Fight Club) was Brad Pitt at his peak of hotness. He looks so good in this movie and eats in almost every scene which I find to be oddly sexy.”

Sam’s take: Fine. Be a stereotype and love Brad Pitt from this era. Just wait until it’s time to rank the cast of Thelma & Louise by handsomeness. He can’t hold a candle to Michael Madsen. Or Geena Davis.

2 | George Clooney

Angie’s take: “So smooth and effortless in this movie. Has a great tan, not too gray yet, and that suit with his shirt unbuttoned. So hot.”

Sam’s take: I’m absurdly pale, starting to see gray in my temples, only own one suit that doesn’t fit well, and, to top it off, everything I do is labored and effortful. Man I’m glad he only came in second.

3 | Matt Damon

Angie’s take: “He’s really dorked up, but he’s an adorable dork. I like Matt Damon the dork much more than Matt Damon the action star.”

Sam’s take: I suppose that her liking either of those iterations of Matt Damon is better than her liking Matt Damon the anti-Semite from School Ties.

4 | Don Cheadle

Angie’s take: “I’ve never thought much of Don Cheadle’s looks, but going back and watching this movie again, I gotta say he looks good! Maybe it’s the British accent and scarves.”

Sam’s take: You know how on The Bachelor he always makes sure that a non-white girl makes the cut in the first round so he doesn’t look racist… but then eliminates her in the second set of cuts? My suspicion is that Don Cheadle’s #4 ranking is a cousin of that technique.

5 | Scott Caan

Angie’s take:Ocean’s 11 is not Scott as his best. He looks better in every other movie and photograph than he does in this movie. But he is an attractive guy and has a really nice body. The red jacket he wears doesn’t do anything for him.”

Sam’s take: I assume she’s thinking of the Varsity Blues Scott Caan. Where he drinks beer because Tweeder likes beer. And also where he plays for a state championship-caliber Texas high school that’s still willing to build around a 5’3 wide receiver.

6 | Casey Affleck

Angie’s take: “He’s cute but has too many young boyish traits. He seems perpetually 14 years old to me.”

Sam’s take: I thought he’d land higher. I think she might be put off by the Affleck name. That’s the exact reason I will never find Charlie Gibson attractive.

7 | Eddie Jemison

Angie’s take: “Eddie is alright and in this movie he plays a sweet guy. Unfortunately that’s not enough to put him in the top 5.”

Sam’s take: By five I guess she means six. (The Michigan public schools aren’t so strong on basic math.)

8 | Shaobo Qin

Angie’s take: “The unitard he wears in this movie has cured me of ever finding him attractive. He has a cute face. Such a tiny guy.”

Sam’s take: Angie briefly dated one Asian guy in her life. I learned this as we sat in the crowd… at his wedding. (To someone besides Angie, obviously.) No joke. He’s a fairly serious triathlete, so I’m assuming at some point she saw him in a unitard. And now I can extrapolate that that’s why she ended things with him, opening the door for me two or three years later. The more you know.

9 | Bernie Mac

Angie’s take: “Really bad hair in this movie. And he looks a little overweight. Too soon?”

Sam’s take: I always kinda figured I’d end up with a woman who speaks ill of the dead. I’m sure that somewhere, Steve Harvey is deeply offended. (And also wearing a five-foot green pinstriped suit jacket with a minimum of six buttons.)

10 | Carl Reiner

Angie’s take: “He’s the oldest on this list, but not the last because Elliott Gould is that bad.”

Sam’s take: Carl Reiner should put that on his business cards. “Carl Reiner: Not as ugly as Elliott Gould.” It’s a way better slogan than “Comedy legend.”

11 | Elliott Gould

Angie’s take: “The glasses, the clothes… it’s all awful.”

Sam’s take: If only Elliott Gould had eaten in every scene, she’d be all over that.