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written by Sam Greenspan

It’s my birthday, so what a time to celebrate bad birthday cakes.

Hey it’s my birthday! And if I do get a cake, I can only hope it will have a heartwarming message. Like all of these beauties.

Here are 11 hilariously bad birthday cakes.

1 | *If there’s room* “Seth.”

I guess there was room.

2 | Hooters: Happy 1st Birthday E.J.

There’s nothing like celebrating your first birthday at Hooters. It could cause some setbacks in the weaning process, but on the other hand, wings.

3 | A Boston Red Sox birthday

I’ve often made fun of the Boston Red Sox for their many, many “lifelong” fans wearing pink hats. And their longtime fans for being dicks. Sometimes it all comes full circle.

4 | Can you draw a unicorn?

When the cake maker misunderstood the directive and just wrote it on the cake, it inadvertently made the cake so very condescending. I’d hope that, by 35, you could draw a unicorn. (Even if your art skills have atrophied. Your unicorn can just be an oval body, four stick legs, a circle for a head, and a horn coming out of it and you’re good.)

5 | Happy Birthday Dick Ha Ha Ha Don’t Write That His Name Is Matt

Cake decorating might not be in this person’s future, but they could have a hell of a new career as a court reporter or closed captioner.

6 | Happy Birthday in Spanish

It seems the person who made this cake was FAR too concerned with adding decorative dots to the ends (and, sometimes, middles) of letters to figure out the request was for “feliz cumpleaños.” Shame, too — imagine how many dots they could’ve squeezed onto that tilde.

(Two.)

7 | November and December birthdays

This cake takes the “impersonal office birthday celebration” to a whole new level. Don’t squeeze the employees’ names on the cake, just the instructions to keep the decoration as terse and perfunctory as possible.

8 | Happy Birthday With Balloons and Crap Like That On It

Gotta admit, if I were getting a friend a birthday cake, these might be my exact instructions. (Which is why I’ve never been tasked with buying a friend a birthday cake.)

9 | Happy Bathday

What it’s lacking in sentiment it’s… also lacking in everything else. Those frosting flowers look even more mailed in than the spelling.

10 | You’re Old and Have a Small Penis!

I just noticed this photo has a watermark on it for some other website. Ugh. I guess my photo hunting was as lazy as, say, decorating a cake with a not-that-funny-but-mean message and a handful of still-wrapped Hershey’s Miniatures. Whatever. It’s my birthday. I’m taking a pass.

11 | Happy Birthday. Just Happy Birthday

That’s all anyone wants: Just happy birthday. Can’t screw that up, right?

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