The unique and extremely popular [citation needed] authority on pop culture since 2008

last updated on

written by Sam Greenspan

Your sex dreams are actually windows into things like your spirituality, ambition and more.

This isn’t apropos of anything. I just found myself on a dream interpretation website and thought I’d bring it to 11 Points. I like dream interpretation — nothing is what it seems, everything means something else. No matter what Freud said, a cigar is never a cigar.

For today, I’m analyzing 11 different sex dream subjects to let you know what they REALLY mean.

1 | If you dream about a dominatrix, it means that…

You’re looking to find God. Apparently, dreaming that you’re a dominatrix means you’re looking to step up your spirituality. Not sure how digging your spiked high heel into someone until they say the safety word (most likely “razzmatazz”) is a sign that you’re looking to be born again, but hey, who am I to argue with a book?

2 | If you dream about watching someone get naked, it means that…

You’re compassionate. Watching someone get undressed shows you want to understand that person better so you can empathize and become more comfortable with them. I suppose this even applies if you’re watching them get undressed through binoculars outside their window.

3 | If you dream about castration, it means that…

You feel uncreative. Makes sense, getting your genitals lopped off is akin to not being able to express yourself by painting seascapes or making a bunch of pots.

4 | If you dream about orgies, it means that…

You need to have fewer hobbies. Take a note: If, in your dream, you’re getting spread too thin by simultaneous sex with a half dozen people… maybe it means you’re getting spread too thin in real life. So give up stamp collecting or you’re going to keep dreaming of getting gangbanged.

5 | If you dream about an erection, it means that…

You should finally start writing that novel you’re always talkin’ about. Erections don’t mean erections in dreams. They mean you have power and energy you need to use, and, most commonly, use in a creative way.

6 | If you dream about wearing a chastity belt, it means that…

You’re too protective. Clearly. If you want to put your lady genitalia under lock-and-key, it’s a sign that you need to relax.

7 | If you dream about condoms, it means that…

Well, it depends on the condom. If the condom is wrapped, it means you need to start letting other people voice their opinions. If you’re a woman and you dream about a man wearing a condom, it means you feel emotional protected. And finally, if the condom is unwrapped, it means you’re sexually frustrated (naturally, because every dream interpretation has to be the opposite of logical).

8 | If you dream about incest, it means that…

You forgive a family member for an argument. Seriously. Your subconscious mind rewards them sexually. And yes, that’s gross, but it doesn’t mean (1) you’re sexually attracted to your sister or (2) that you should take the dream as a sign and act on it in real life. She gives you a nice birthday present, just thank her with a heartfelt hug.

9 | If you dream about performing oral sex on yourself, it means that…

You’re a selfish bastard. But hey, I respect you for dreaming of something so ambitious.

10 | If you dream about being gay, it means that…

You’re not gay. It just means that you accept yourself and you’re compassionate.

11 | But if you dream about being bisexual, it means that…

You’re gay. And those two interpretations back-to-back really sum up the seemingly random and illogical art of dream interpretation.

You may also like…

The 35 Most Common Recurring Dreams, and My Terrible Interpretations of Their Meanings

83 Percent of Adults Are Still Trying to Get Their Dream Job (See the 11 We Still Want)

11 Signs Bursting With Accidental Sexual Innuendo

11 Deeply Existential Signs and Billboards

11 Sexiest Items For Sale at the 99 Cents Only Store