An upset swinger, grilled cheese that was too cheesy and a fugitive hiding in plain sight thanks to an elderly mask make the list.
Last week, I posted my first 11 most ridiculous criminals of 2016. Today, after an unexpectedly long New Year’s hiatus, we play the back nine. And by nine, of course, I mean 11. I’m not really a golf guy.
Now, here are 11 more criminals who caught my eye in 2016…
1 | 48-year-old Black Guy Named Vladimir Putin Busted For Trespassing
(8/30) I can’t imagine how tough it’s been for this guy to walk around with the name Vladimir Putin. I’m also not convinced he’s clear on which country America has a tenuous relationship with the “other” Putin is from, because when this Putin was arrested for causing a scene at a Publix grocery store in West Palm Beach, Florida, in August, he started yelling, “Venezuela!” over and over. (Source)
2 | Man Drives Six Miles With His Wife on Top of His Car, Only Realized She Was Up There For About Five of Them
(3/29) Accidentally driving away with your wife on the roof of your car? There’s an outside chance. Not stopping once you realize she’s up there? Rarefied air.
69-year-old Richard Addy from Stuart, Florida got into an argument with his 50-year-old wife Elizabeth at a bar back in March, and even though he’d been drinking (or, more realistically, because he’d been drinking), he decided to drive home and leave her behind. Only she hopped on the roof of his SUV, Jason Statham style, and held on for a full six miles. He didn’t realize she was up there… at least not for the first mile or so. Once he did, he kept on driving — for approximately five of those six miles — because he said he “did not have a cell phone to call the police.” She was screaming for help and banging on the roof the entire time.
A cop eventually spotted them and pulled over Richard. He was somehow only charged with reckless driving and permitting a passenger to ride on the exterior of a vehicle. (Source)
3 | Football Player Suspended For Belk Bowl For Shoplifting… From Belk
(12/30) After decades of college bowl games with extremely clunky and forced sponsored names, the whole endeavor finally delivered something fantastic. The Arkansas Razorbacks were in the 2016 Belk Bowl and, as part of the bowl gifts, the players got $450 gift cards for a shopping spree at a Belk department store. (Side note: I now know “Belk” is a department store.)
Unfortunately for Arkansas’s senior tight end Jeremy Sprinkle, apparently $450 wasn’t enough — because he was caught shoplifting $260 worth of shirts and wallets. So Sprinkle was suspended from the team for the Belk Bowl — for shoplifting from Belk. (Source)
4 | Man Sets Own Apartment on Fire to Get Away From His Neighbors’ Sex Noise
(6/7) 36-year-old Reuben Cook of Albuquerque could hear his neighbors loudly having sex in June, and he desperately wanted to get away from the sounds of passion. Instead of waiting the five minutes or so for them to wrap up, he set his apartment on fire so he could “go to prison and get away from the noise.” He was arrested for arson and taken to county jail, so… mission accomplished? (Source)
5 | Woman Jumps Into Ring at Pro Wrestling Event and Pulls Gun on a Bad Guy
(6/8) It’s still real to her, dammit! 59-year-old Patricia Anne Crowe was at an American Wrestling Federation event in Ringgold, Georgia, in June and was enraged by a heel wrestler when he tied up the babyface and hit him with a chair. So she jumped in the ring, used her knife to cut the good guy loose, then pulled her loaded gun on the bad guy. Apparently she was also mad at him because she was heckling him on his ring entrance and he told her “to sit her toothless self back down.”
She was charged with reckless conduct and aggravated assault — and the AWF decided to start using metal detectors at their events. (Source)
6 | Man Upset a Couple Doesn’t Want to Swing With Him Anymore, Shoots at Their House
(7/14) No one likes getting dumped, I suppose, no matter how non-traditional the relationship is. 45-year-old Scott Hurley from Palm Coast, Florida, was arrested in July after he fired five shots into a couple’s house. It turns out he did it because he used to swing with them, but they recently ended that relationship. There are so many unintentional metaphors in his response. (Source)
7 | Grilled Cheese Rage Occurs When Man Doesn’t Like How Cheesy His Wife Made His Sandwich
(8/2) A 55-year-old guy named James De Paola from Athens, Georgia was upset at his wife in August because she made him a grilled cheese sandwich and, from my read, she did too good of a job. She used three pieces of cheese instead of two, he declared that was too cheesy and started screaming at her. He also spat at her in the process, ripped the phone out of the wall to keep her from calling 911, and was arrested for obstruction of a 911 call and criminal damage to property. (Source)
8 | Couple Unknowingly Rob a Pawn Shop Owner’s House, Then Try to Pawn the Stuff
(8/3) What are the odds? 30-year-old Jeremy Watts and 24-year-old Jessica Heady robbed a random house in Clarksville, Tennessee in August, then took the stuff to a pawn shop to get some quick cash for it. But the owner of the pawn shop figured out the stuff was stolen — because it was his. His employees kept Jeremy and Jessica there while the owner quickly went home, confirmed his house had been broken into and called the cops. Jeremy and Jessica were arrested for aggravated burglary. (Source / Source)
9 | 31-year-old Fugitive Caught After Five Months of Disguising Himself As an Elderly Man
(8/19) The pictures really speak for themselves. 31-year-old Shaun Miller from Hyannis, Massachusetts had a warrant out for drug trafficking charges, so he hid in plain-ish sight for five months by disguising himself as an old man before he left the house. The authorities finally tracked him down by using informants and wiretaps, and even had a Scooby Doo moment when he walked out of the house in his mask and they pulled it off to reveal his true identity. (Source)
10 | Police Solve NYC Terrorist Case Because Some Guys Accidentally Disabled a Bomb… While Stealing the Bag Where It Was Hidden
(9/19) A bomb went off in New York City back in September, and a second one was supposed to, but didn’t — all thanks to a classic 1980s-style New York moment. Apparently the bomber left the bomb inside of a suitcase on the street. Two guys saw the suitcase and made the impromptu, vintage New Yorker decision to steal it, so they opened it, took out what was inside (a bomb in this case, which didn’t faze them), threw it in a garbage can and walked off with the suitcase. In the process, they accidentally disabled the bomb — and when the cops found it, they were able to use it to track down the bomber. (Source)
11 | Woman Calls Cops on Guy Who Won’t Stop Whistling Semisonic’s Closing Time Outside Her House
(11/30) I’ve covered Semisonic’s Closing Time on this site before (Closing Time by Semisonic Is About Childbirth, Not Last call At a Bar?) — and I’m thrilled to bring it up again. I could talk about Closing Time, and most mid ’90s music, every day for the rest of my life.
In November, a woman in Forest Grove, Oregon, called the cops because a guy was standing outside of her house whistling Closing Time. By the time the police responded to that emergency situation, the guy was gone — but they tracked him down nearby because he was still whistling Closing Time. It’s just like the plot of the movie M! Sort of! They sent him on his way. Possibly, but probably not, by telling him, “You don’t have to go home but you can’t. stay. here.” (Source)