The unique and extremely popular [citation needed] authority on pop culture since 2008

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written by Sam Greenspan

For the milestone 11th year in a row, I bet real money on ridiculous Super Bowl bets. This year’s include the Puppy Bowl, Chick-Fil-A and Tony Romo’s proclivities.

We made it. This is the milestone 11th year of my Super Bowl bets column.

If you’re unfamiliar — although now that basically everyone making #content does this list, it’s hard to miss — every year the online sportsbooks offer absurd Super Bowl bets. And I don’t just write about the bets, I take it a step further — and bet real money on them at a variety of sketchy online casinos. I drop $11 per bet, since everything I do for this site needs to happen in that multiple, for a total of $121.

And now, a trip down Super Bowl bet memory lane…

2009 – I went 6-3-2, but wasn’t betting real money

2010 – I went 4-7, lost $14.41

2011 – I went 4-6-1, lost $13.58

2012 – I went 5-4-2, won $4.77

2013 – I went 6-5, won $19.56

2014 – I went 4-7, lost $30.80

2015 – I went 6-5, won $7.75

2016 – I went 3-7-1, lost $29.60

2017 – I went 6-4-1, won $2.64

2018 – I went 6-5, but I only won negative odds bets, so I still lost $25.95

That gives me an overall record of 50-53-7 and my lifetime losses are $79.62.
Could this be the year I get by record over .500? Could I finally hit a long shot, something I’ve never really done, and get into the black? I can’t answer the first, but the answer to the second is… probably not.

Here are the 11 weirdest prop bets being offered for Super Bowl 53, all of which I actually made…

1 | Who will win Puppy Bowl XV?

Team Fluff -115 (20/23)
Team Ruff -115 (20/23)

Last year, inexplicably, Team Ruff had underdog odds. And apparently the oddsmakers knew something, because they lost. This year, it’s a pick-em as both teams have the same negative payouts. Gotta love stupid prop bets. Under Monty Hall paradox rules, at least as I vaguely remember them and now bastardize them, I am switching my bet this year to Team Fluff.

I bet $11 on Team Fluff with a potential win of $9.57.

2 | How long will it take Gladys Knight to sing the National Anthem?

Over 107 seconds -115 (20/23)
Under 107 seconds -115 (20/23)

Lots of different sportsbooks had different odds for the anthem length, even though they all more or less agreed on the 1:47 over-under equator. (It seems to be based on this one and only recording of Gladys doing the anthem at an unspecified sporting event in 1991.)

For more than a decade now, I’ve pushed the over on anthem length, and I’m not going to deviate now.

I bet $11 on over 1:47 with a potential win of $9.57.

3 | Will Gladys Knight take a knee or raise a fist?

Yes +600 (6/1)
No -1000 (1/10)

Every artist performing at this year’s Super Bowl has faced criticism for taking a gig from the NFL while they continue to blackball Colin Kaepernick. Gladys had a strange response — seemingly Stacey Dashing all over Kaepernick.

She made a statement last week saying:

“I understand that Mr. Kaepernick is protesting two things, and they are police violence and injustice. It is unfortunate that our national anthem has been dragged into this debate.”

So unless she’s rope-a-doping everyone, I really don’t see her taking a knee or throwing up a fist.

I bet $11 on NO with a potential win of $1.10. And sadly, that’s not even my lowest potential payout.

4 | Which Anheuser-Busch commercial will appear first?

Bud Light -105 (20/21)
Budweiser +200 (2/1)
Michelob Ultra +550 (11/2)
Stella Artois +550 (11/2)
Bon & Viv Spiked Seltzer +550 (11/2)

I’m really tempted to take one of the long shots here — it would be a hell of a twist if whatever that spiked seltzer is got a hefty first quarter ad placement — but come on. It’s either Budweiser or Bud Light. Last year I lost money betting the “over” on the number of “dillies” uttered during commercials. This year Bud Light’s going to pay me back.

I bet $11 on Bud Light being first with a potential win of $10.48.

5 | Will the Chick-Fil-A in Mercedes-Benz Stadium serve food on Super Bowl Sunday?

Yes +1500 (15/1)
No -5000 (1/50)

I love the concept of this bet, even if the odds disparity make it a bit of a disappointment. There’s a Chick-Fil-A inside of the Not Georgia Dome because, by state law, every building in Georgia is required to have a Chick-Fil-A. And it’s the chain’s famous policy to close on Sundays. But… with the Super Bowl coming to the stadium, will they leave all that money on the table and still stay closed?

The answer is… of course. They leave tens of millions of dollars on the table every year by closing every store on every Sunday. Why would they cede even an inch of their hard-fought high ground spot for, say, $30k or so in the stadium?

I bet $11 on closed with a potential win of 22 cents. And once again, sadly, that’s still not my lowest potential payout.

6 | How many plays will Tony Romo correctly predict ahead of the play?

Over 7.5 -120 (5/6)
Under 7.5 -120 (5/6)

Tony Romo’s new color commentator gimmick is using his football experience to call out plays before they happen. He’s garnered quite a bit of positive press for it. (And then, as per the way things work this day, quite a bit of “yeah that’s not impressive anyone who played football could do that” press as well.) So the question is: Will he escalate his gimmick for the Super Bowl or tone it down?

I have a gut feeling on the under, mainly because, in the past, “will a broadcaster say [blank]” bets almost always pay the under. So maybe it’s not a gut feeling, but me calling out Tony Romo’s play in advance? Eh? EH?

I bet $11 on under 7.5 with a potential win of $9.17.

7 | What will Maroon 5 perform as their first song during halftime?

Makes Me Wonder EVEN (1/1)
One More Night +550 (11/2)
Moves Like Jagger +600 (6/1)
Animals +700 (7/1)
Sugar +900 (9/1)
Girls Like You +900 (9/1)
Don’t Wanna Know +900 (9/1)
Payphone +1800 (18/1)
This Love +2000 (20/1)
Maps +2200 (22/1)
She Will Be Loved +2200 (22/1)

I mean — I’m pretty sure I’ve never heard the song Makes Me Wonder, so I’m not going to pick it even though it has the best odds. A lot of my bets have had mediocre payouts so far so, what the hell, I’m going for it. I predict Maroon Five will look at this as a career retrospective and start with their first big hit, This Love. This is my chance.

I bet $11 on This Love at +2000 with a potential win of $220.

8 | Will any player do the floss to celebrate a TD?

Yes +450 (9/2)
No -750 (2/15)

Is the floss still trendy? At this point in my life, I’m only around people over age 35 or under age 4, so I don’t have anyone to consult. My guess is it’s not cool anymore, as things in this day and age lose their coolness super quick.

I bet $11 on no with a potential win of $1.47.

9 | Will CBS show a replay of the missed pass interference call at the end of the Saints-Rams NFC Championship game?

Yes -130 (10/13)
No EVEN (1/1)

Interesting odds. The blown call that helped put the Rams into the Super Bowl has received almost as much attention as the Rams being in the Super Bowl. My instinct is that CBS won’t show it, as I think the NFL has issued a pretty strict directive to all of its partners that “we’re moving on,” but the odds favor it being shown.

Still, gotta go with my instinct here.

I bet $11 on CBS not showing a replay with a potential win of $11.

10 | Will Billy McFarland be caught selling counterfeit tickets to the Super Bowl?

Yes +2500 (25/1)
No -10000 (1/100)

Billy McFarland is the guy who created the Fyre Festival. And then, while out on bail after pleading guilty to fraud, was busted for selling fake tickets to events like the Met Gala and Coachella. It’s a funny bet but come on. We definitely haven’t heard the last of Billy McFarland or his scams, but hocking tickets to this Super Bowl isn’t happening.

I bet $11 on NO with a potential win of 11 cents. This is my worst potential payout. Basically I just want my $11 back in this case.

11 | What will the Super Bowl champions be served when they visit the White House?

Fast food +190 (19/10)
Any other food -290 (10/29)

This bet is based on Trump proudly serving a variety of fast food options to Clemson when the team visited the White House earlier this month. Will he pull the same move if the Patriots visit or Rams choose to visit? Rams maybe, Patriots definitely not.

I bet $11 on any other food with a potential win of $3.79. Unfortunately we won’t be able to resolve this bet for a while, but it was too good to pass up.

So, if I win all 11 bets, I’ll clear a cool $276.48. (Although $220 of that comes from the Maroon 5 long shot). In other words, after 11 years, everything comes down to whether the band that was the NFL’s 15th choice to play the halftime show opens with a song that peaked at number five on the Billboard charts in 2004. Yeah, I got this.